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Introspective

Still Alive – Health Update


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Dear Diary,

When the trouble cauldron bubbles it tends to spill over and trickle down to many people at once.  Some get a single dose while others get something resembling the blob from horror movies years back.

Troubles usually show up without warning and slam us sideways, taking our breath away.

Some issues we can dust off and deal with right away and have said problem solved.

Others embed into your pelt, work themselves into your deeper layers and fester until we are paralysed and bedridden facing viral illnesses and infections so vile we lose control of every fiber of who we are.

This past year has produced illnesses that are starting to build up resistance to our regular arsenal of antibiotics.

In February of this year I was into my second month on a new full-time job.  A member of the staff contracted a horrible gastrointestinal virus and brought it to the workplace which was a Call-Center.  If you aren’t familiar with call-center set ups I will explain.  There are hundreds of employees.  You share your workstations with all of them as there are different shifts and hundreds more of them.  Each day you will haven to go through the office searching for a working chair find a work station with a working computer, keyboard and mouse and a phone for you to plug your headset into.  If you are lucky you will find one.  You are at a different desk every day with a different chair every day in a different section of the same floor every shift.  You buy your own headset for 80.00 for the phone.  Work station items are often left covered in stains and garbage and you must clean them before starting your shift.

You must log in promptly when your shift starts, if you can’t you must tell a supervisor and keep trying to log in.  They dock your pay for every minute you are late.  You work four to eight-hour shifts and have options for over-time for special pay rates for those shifts.  They take volunteers for this and in one week, the week I got sick I had 52 hours in over time coming at 20.00/hour in the over time plus my 44 hour hours of regular pay.  Then I collapsed on the second shift.  I went home was forced to call in sick the next day ordered to go to the doctor and get a doctor’s note, which I did and while I was there the doctor noticed my veins had collapsed and my blood pressure was going through the roof from the illness every time I tried to stand up from the stress on my body and the dehydration.  The doctor sent me to the ER for IV treatment.

I was at the hospital for over 8 hours.  Horrible experience.  It took forever to find a vein to get blood from for testing and forever more to get one for the IV hookup.  When your veins collapse the nurse has incredible difficulty seeing them through your skin and it becomes almost like a guessing game in the back of your hands.  The doctor came into see me and ordered a CT Scan to check for diverticulitis, an infection in the intestine.

When they finally sent me for the CT Scan they told me they had to push a special dye through my IV by the CT machine and that It would feel like I peed myself because it gets warm but not to worry because it is just a sensation and does not actually happen.  This is after I drank a litre of a nasty tasting die as well half an hour before.  I also had to sign a form stating that I was aware that sometimes during this procedure if the veins are too small they can rupture and the dye can accumulate into the back of your hand.  Guess what?!

The IV push of dye was with rapid force and it hurt like hell, I screamed the place down, the two nurses cam rushing in and my vein had blown apart.  I had never felt pain like this before They guessed that before my vein blew they were able to get enough dye into my system to get the Scan done so they continued with it.  I had to hold my arm up over my head with a huge bubble of blood and fluid in the back of my hand feeling like it was going to explode further for 3 straight minutes. then they pulled out the IV and said they would have to put another one in my other hand.  The left me sitting in a very uncomfortable steel mesh wheelchair with no arm rests, they took out the IV and I bled like mad.  I had a stack of about 10 gauze pads that I had to stay conscious for and hold down so I wouldn’t bleed out.  the pain was horrific.  I sat there for about 20 minutes until they came back and told me the scan worked and sent me back up to emerge to get a new IV in my other hand. This time she found a better vein and the IV fluid actually started getting  into my body and the full bag was in me within an hour and naturally I needed to get to a toilet pretty damn quick now that I was hydrated once again.  I was weak, couldn’t walk on my own without help, dizzy and I hurt everywhere.  My hand was still bleeding and leaking out all the fluid that had burst into it.  But they finally sent me home saying if I got any worse to come back again, like I was going to risk it.  Before releasing me the doctor told me lots of fluids, Gatorade and a starchy and high protein diet until the virus clears up.  In this week I lost 22 pounds in 16 days due to this illness and it took me the next three months to recover and it permanently damaged my intestines and my bowel.  It is 7 months later and I still have issues with it.  I already had IBS to begin with now it is 10 times worse.  Do you have any idea what it is like at the age of 47 to have to on occasion wear adult diapers, it is degrading and embarrassing.  I wound up gaining 10 pounds back over the 3 months due to the starchy foods which I would normally try to stay away from.

Call Centers are not a great place to work if you have a weak or compromised immune system or any type of health issues.  I recommend you stay far away from them.

I pushed on job hunting for the next four-month without any luck.  Lost my rental subsidy and my Child support was just cancelled because my youngest just turned 18 on August 10th and her father cut her off.  He’s replaced his 3 blood children with his mail order bride from the Dominican and her children and is going to bring them all to Canada to live and has written his own kids off.

Any hoots, after a night of movie watching and eating popcorn one night on August 2nd I did my regular bedtime routine of brushing, flossing and rinsing with Listerine.  After flossing I noticed a slight irritation in my gums between my two back molars.  A year ago I had a root canal done in the back molar for and infection and sever pain that caused the side of my face to swell up.  that area had plagued me ever since with irritation but every time I went over to the dentist she just told me it was because I had a receding gumline from years of vigorous brushing when I was younger and to just use a softer brush keep flossing and rinse with salt water and use Sensodyne toothpaste.  So, naturally I slept on it thinking it would be better by Friday morning.  It wasn’t.  Not having benefits here means you haven to pay cash every visit you make.  I had no cash so I couldn’t go to the dentist, no money to pay for it.  So I looked up home remedies for toothache online.  The usual cloves, clove oil, vanilla extract compresses etc.  Though some provided temporary relief I was getting worse as the weekend went on.  By Sunday night I was literally screaming my house down from the pain.

Monday morning first thing I said fuck it and sent to the dentist and begged.  I told them how much pain I was in and started crying.  they took me in, id an x-ray and told me I had an infection and needed a root canal.  The cost for this $700.00.  I told them my situation and that there was no way I can afford it.  Lost my job February 24th, due to illness and was still currently unemployed and just lost my rental subsidy and child support within days of each other.

My New Nightmare begins:

Now, please note during all this I am still applying for jobs and have had to start selling off my personal items like my CDs, DVD collection and any and all jewellery plus anything else we can sell to stay afloat and make ends meet.  both my girls had both lost their jobs as well.

So, the dentist says the other option is to pull the tooth but they can’t until the infection clears up.  she puts me on amoxicillin for 7 days and Tylenol 3s for the pain alternated with Naproxen for the swelling.

5 days later I’m getting worse.  I go back to the dentist who freezes me, cuts my gums open with a scalpel so the infection will drain and gives me a prescription for a stronger antibiotic called Clindamycin and more Tylenol 3s.  So, now it’s a week, I haven’t been able to eat, I’m on antibiotics and nothing is getting better.

2 days later I’m back in getting frozen and cut again.  3 Days after that I go back and she sends me to the hospital emergency a full Town away for IV Treatment where they hook me up to an IV drip, send me home with Percocette aka Oxycodone for the massive pain in the entire left-side of my face.  A medical company delivers a portable IV pump distribution kid and supplies and my IV antibiotics at 10pm that night where a nurse then comes close to midnight to hook the IV bad up and get me started.  This is now going on two weeks.

Moving into week #3 – My infection is outside the root of my tooth into my gums, my cheek and part way into a gland and down my neck.  I am swollen like there’s no tomorrow and in pain 24/7.  Except when the Percocette works, they have me taking 2 of them every six hours and they only last for about 2 and a half hours so I suffer for 3 and a half hours until the next does.  during this time I get hit with the first period I’ve had in almost 2 years and a yeast infection from the antibiotics.  That just fucking great!!! What is next, batter up!!!!

I have an appointment to get to so the nurses can teach my youngest daughter how to change my IV bag for me every 24 hours.  And by the way she’s been driving my car for me all this time cause on double Percocette I’m not allowed to drive.  I’m also told I am not to be left alone in case of emergencies when my husband decides to take off on Thursday night to the trailer because a Dart Tournament was more important than looking after me and one kids takes off drinking with friends and the other takes off for dinner with her boyfriend leaving me in the house on my own hooked up to the battery pack charging my IV depensing unit and While plug-in I can’t get off the bed and I gotta go to the bathroom.  at this point I have a total melt down.  None of them communicated with each other and I keep finding myself alone.  I’m on the IV, it’s causing severe nausea, my face is swollen, my eye is all droopy and the left side of my mouth is paralyzed because there is nerve damage from the infection pressing on the nerve of the middle molar makin the entire left side of my face numb. so I can’t even talk properly.  I talk like I have had a stroke.  I live like this for a full week.  At the end of week 3 I go back to my dentist and by the way, every visit I’m selling off personal items to pawn shops and online to cover bills and buy food for my kids.

My dentist has me rush over to an oral surgeon after giving her $50.00 just to tell me that I am at I need an oral surgeon.

I am at the oral surgeon two hours and by the way I had to drive myself there hopped up on Percocette because once again I was alone.  I don’t even remember getting there.  So any way he takes a panoramic x-ray says the back molar has to come out immediately and freezes me and says that will be $400.00 cash I will be right back.  He comes back 5 minutes later and pulls out my tooth says I should start getting some relief from the pain and swelling within a few days.  He gives me my demon tooth, a prescription for more clindamycin and more Tylenol 3s and tells me I may still lose the second molar because the initial infection was between the roots of both teeth and that the numbness I am experiencing in my face may take up to a month or more to start to heal.  I head home mouth all swollen and full of gauze and blood but I drive back home grab my prescriptions from the pharmacy and head home grab the kids as I am determined to head up to my trailer for the weekend I can’t take any more crazy shit.  But first we have to rush over to get my IV taken out and they almost refuse me because I am 15 minutes late.  but it gets done.

After a weekend away I am back home Monday Night in agony so on Tuesday morning I have a dentist appointment at 10-am to have the second molar removed but she refuses to do it , instead she givers me a prescription for percocette again and sends me home in tears, telling me to come back on Friday and if it still hurts she will pull it.  She wants me to come up with $700.00 for a root canal to save the other molar because I will have absolutely none on the bottom left side if she pulls this one.

I am currently going into week 5 and  my 5th round of antibiotics and only take the painkillers when I can no longer tolerate the pain because they are rotting my gut and causing sever constipation and it is incredibly painful.  I am very bloated to the point now it is pressing on my diaphragm and I am having difficulty breathing at times..

This isn’t over yet, I am still fighting with everything I have.

This is where my life is now……but I haven’t given up yet.

 

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Candy-floss Pigtails and A Pair of Shitkickers: Friends just Get us


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Have you ever felt so low about yourself that no matter what someone else says to you from their positive rainbow bank it just doesn’t register right away?

true-friends-quote.jpgI was a bitchy bitch today, a real Debbie-downer.  My friend tried his best to put a positive spin on things and I pissed all over his sunshine.  I know,fuck me right.  I have nerve.  I even had the gall to tell him he’s never really been there for me without giving him half a chance.  I suck right?

Depression is a morbid beast.  It sucks us into a self-loathing sink hole and a big part of us can’t get out on our own, although we do prefer to try.  Our friends try to throw us a rope of hope with a snickers bar attached to it and our broken grey matter says fuck you for trying to be nice but that shit’s gonna apply itself straight to my ass.

There’s just something about being depressed that makes us lack any rationality and at times we become so miserable we lash out at the very people who are trying to help us get past the dark moments.

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I had sunk and sunk rather badly.  Not to the point where I wanted to hurt myself or even think of ending it all but I was in a pretty dark place.  It was swallowing every happy thought I had ever had.  Static in my head, I call it, that overwhelming feeling of helplessness that takes away everything till we feel nothing but hollow inside.  The one feeling that causes you to look in the mirror and start nit-picking on every little flaw you have and say to yourself no wonder no one wants to be around you, you’re a waste, you useless twat.

So, there I was, moping, and my friend randomly popped up to say hello and wish me a happy day and my sour-puss bared its ugly teeth and bit him.  Now you should know at this stage he normally would recoil and disappear but this time he didn’t, he stayed and stood his ground.  A little rumble in the jungle, kinda turns me on… *grin*

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Anyhoots, he stayed and dammit he slapped me right on ass and said “REALLY!”

Well that stung a bit but I deserved it, after all I drew first blood, so, in turn, the bear bit back,I sat up straight.  It actually shocked me at first and then I read back what I had said to him and it offended me that I said it.  You know you should always read something before you hit send. (Mental note to self) If it would offend you coming from someone else addressed to you then clearly it will offend the person you are addressing.  What a bitch I was.  He even said ” I know your hardships and your soul, so that comment really fucking hurt, REALLY.”  Fuck!, I really stuck my foot in it this time, didn’t I?

He’s trying to cheer me up and my depression is turning me all bitch-face and snappy.  Life has been a real challenge for me lately, I really haven’t had much to say to anyone, mainly because everyone doesn’t need to be dragged down by my woes and be painted with my problems.  They all have woes of their own, I’m certain, and I never forget that.  We all wake up in the grey sometimes, some of us more than others due to our brains being wired all wrong.  Yet, one simple positive message can turn things around on a dime.

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It’s rough trying to find an ounce of happy when you’re depressed. You fight everyone and everything positive, not because you want to but because depression suppresses your reasoning skills.  This is where you wind up trying to find ways to part the clouds.  We , the depressed, may seem quiet or, at times, unreasonable, but please know, we are trying our best to function and to get through our darkness in ways only we know how to do.  Sometimes we need a bit of a push to get started.  My friend, who knows me all to well, pushed me.  He knew I needed it and I completely adore him for sticking it out with me and not running away.  Not being saucy, just doing what real friends do.  Reminding us that they were once where we are currently sitting and that we were the ones acting as the life-line back to a life that truly matters.  For a brief moment I lost sight of that.

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I used to read every single word and get it.  Lately, the words have floated past me and nothing has sunk in, nothing. That’s the life of someone living with depression.  Yet, I know we are never truly alone, even when it feels like we are. We are all frantically searching for light in our darkest hours, and it is there,if not, we all would have given up long ago.  Though all of our paths may deviate from time to time there are some things that remain constants.  We all possess the ability to inspire at least one other person, no matter how small the gesture may be.  We can help remind each other why we write it out of us, one small step at a time.  Do whatever it takes for you, may it be writing, drawing, singing, painting, whatever it is that brings you back.  It can get rather excruciating at times for the depressed but in the end we are battlers and lovers of life.

In most cases, at home, we don’t often have anyone who really gets us so we become entwined in somewhat of an alternate reality because on our most depressed days living live really bites.  On most days I know to wear my candy-floss pigtails and step out to face the world with my shit-kickers on and no-one is the wiser of what I’m battling on the inside.  But every once-in-a-while I fall victim to my depression and coming out of it isn’t an easy process.  Only those suffering from depression will truly get what it is I, and many others, face in these moments.

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One thing, I know, for sure, is how to do me.  How to find my way out when I have fallen so deep.  But I can’t always do it on my own.  Sometimes I need a little help.  That help usually comes from friends laying down some harsh truth.  Easily, I could have gone back-and-forth with my friend in full fight mode, but really, that would solve nothing and make us both feel horrible at the end of the scope.  He can be somewhat of a man-cub and a selfish prick sometimes but equally, I can be a girl-cub and down-right selfish bitch all the same and we can tell each other this on the regular and not fight about it because we are true friends and have respect for each other.  We get each other. And, we’re not afraid to admit when we are wrong, though sometimes we will sit and hold our breaths until someone says uncle. Yes, we are also both stubborn as hell and there are times when we both have to be right.  But give a little and the rewards are splendid.  We’ve also learned how to pull each other out of our hiding spaces because our attire can match up perfectly when it needs to.  He in his clown shoes and me in my candy-floss pigtails.  Friends are great.  Friends know our ugliness, all the way down to the last nook and cranny and they never judge and more importantly, they never, ever leave.  They’re always there, through the good, bad and horrifyingly ugly, there they stand with bow ties, flowers that squirt water in our faces, claws and shit-kickers ready to take on the world.  Side by side we ride the roller-coaster of life.

Yes, this is me, broken, neglected and feeling alone. But I know I’ve got friends.  They’ll kick my ass, hold my hands,hug me and throw a pie in my face when I’m being and ass-hole but they’ll also throw me a life-preserver when I need it most.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My friend is an ass-hole just like me. He made me stop and think. I love my friend and he’ll get this and know the laugh behind it because he gets me, more than any other, he gets where all this came from.  Thank you, my friend, Always, because without you I’d still be lost, moping in my own shit pile of life.

I am a person, one of the people.  Now, I can see what it’s all for.  Had he not reminded me I’d still be curled up in a ball on floor.

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We all have that friend,that one friend, who gets us and has a way of bringing a little perspective to what we can’t see.  Thank your friends on a regular basis because tomorrow is promised to no-one but you have them here with you today.

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The Devil’s Whore


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A letter to a junkie…..

There you are once again

you know it’s you

time to admit it

you’ve hurt us all this time.

The devil’s whore,

that’s what you are

what was it this time

did you mix it with weed

a cocoa-puff to suite your need?

When did you feel the guilt

when you came down off your high

ran out of your product can no longer fly.

What triggered the end, this time, 

something we said, or didn’t, life just sucks.

Did the money run out

can’t the junkie get hold of the devil.

He ain’t listening, he knows you’re broke

please leave a message is all you got when you called the bloke.

Don’t call us, we won’t answer, not this time.

The drama plays out

it’s always all about you

the,drama queen

though you’ll never admit it

You loath drama, remember, we know that you said it.

You don’t even hear us; do you?

We gave you money when you were destitute

Yet here we are, destitute, and where are you

high in your corner sulking like an infant

  poor me, boo-hoo.

Some leant you money when you needed it

so you could go away, get clean, again

but you didn’t did you

lair, twister of tales.

They didn’t have it to give but they did it any way

manipulated by sob stories

betrayed

did you ever once think to repay it

ungrateful fuck, that’s what you are

selfish prick, hiding inside your own ass-hole.

You don’t even see our struggles

manipulate the conversation right back to all about you

when-ever we try to tell you something about our woes.

You don’t hear because you don’t want to,

because we make you face your reality.

The things you’ve done

the pain you’ve caused.

The avalanche you left behind.

If you know what it is and what it does

why let the devil back in over and over again

 the coward, the liar, the twister of tales.

Round-a-bout ride

every three months to be exact

set our calendars to it

the ugly cycle you spin for yourself

leaving the rest of us up on the shelf.

You’ve had chance after chance 

yet you’ve spun lie after lie

to act as if it’s okay to tell us you’re going to die.

The addict, the junkie, curled up in your pit

there you are, you were left reeling for it

lying on the floor bleeding for it

begging at the door screaming for it

you’re strung again out on it

If you go back inside , we’ll be watching you die

a cycle on the fairground ride

You spin round and round

connecting to no-one but him

Devil’s whore you are , what a bore you are

You tire us

you’ve just gone to far

When is it enough to not want it any more?

Is this just another story you want us to believe you to never give it a thought.

Then, my friend, it’s time to give it all up and stop being the devil’s whore.

Here is your end. Is it warm there?

Here is your end. Is it warm there?

Note from the writer:   Life’s atrocities, I lost to many friends to this very thing and just recently the anniversary of one of my best friends, Leslie Smith, death came and went on June 20th; Cocaine blew out his heart while he slept in his bed, his son came home from school that day and found him stone cold dead; but he is always on my mind for he left behind a teenage son with Aspergers syndrome and ODD. So very sad. Another Dwayne, Set himself on fire with gasoline and died of his burn injuries not to long later. And Another Keith, got inside his car in the middle of the night in the garage put a pipe from the tailpipe to the window ran the car and died of carbon monoxide poisoning. And yet another hung himself with a rope in the basement of his house. And another blew off his own head with a gun. I am tired of watching it happen, I just don’t know if I could ever go through it again. For each one of them that dies a piece of me dies too.

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Is The Cup Half Full or Half Empty…A Quintessential Truth #16


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I love it when insomnia kicks in, no really, for people like me it’s like a good drunk, the most truth comes out and a lot of thought-provoking ideas when I choose to write.  After all it is how “Quintessential Truths” were born and they’ve become quite popular.  For this occasion let’s look at the Green Monster, now it’s not the Green-eyed Monster of jealousy, I’m taking about paper here people.  Money, yes, money changes everything or everyone if you will.  In some form or another people change.

Yeah, let’s face it, you know it’s true for the most part.  There aren’t too many people in the world that a little money won’t change.  It may be for a minute or three or permanently.  To each is his own and so on and so forth.  Some change for the better and others well, let’s just say if you aren’t in their paper realm you don’t matter much.

One thing for sure I know to be true is I sure wouldn’t drop my friends who have always been there supporting me through the thick of the shit.  Those people see us at our worst and still they stay.   That says something about character don’t you think.  But for some put a little green in their palms and boom! you become the last thing on their minds instead of the first.  Suddenly you aren’t so important any more.  Shocking right?  It really shouldn’t be.

So here we are at Is the cup half full or half empty…. you tell me:

Think about it.  I recently watched a video that was done in two parts.  The first a guy dressed up as a raggy, dirty bum and had a sign beside him that said broke and out of work, need money for booze and drugs.  Here’s the kicker, at least a dozen people, just your average Joe passer-by dropped bills into his cup and told him to have a drink on them or keep on smoking that green brotha!, shocking.  The second part he dressed up as a single father with a young daughter, sat in the same place with a sign that read, Unemployed and homeless, need money for food.  Every single person passed them by pretending not to see them until one lady walked up to them and said this is all I made today but I want to give it to you, I am homeless too but you need it more than I do, may I pray for you and your daughter?  What is even more amazing is that this was a social experiment and the guy got up and thank the woman for her kindness and opened his wallet and gave her one hundred dollars out of his own money after telling her about the experiment they were doing.  This video combo went viral.  What is wrong with the world today?

Now let’s look at another scenario.  Mary, a forty-seven year old mother of three has worked steadily for the past 13 years of her life and prior to that owned 3 of her own businesses, she has been the main income earner of the family and supported everyone.  Mary recently lost her forty hour a week job and for the past six months has been actively looking for work.  But Mary is finding it difficult because company’s these days are hiring the younger generation because they will do twice as much work for less wages.  Mary has no one to help her out.  Her savings are gone, her credit cards are maxed out and her unemployment is about to run out right before the Christmas season hits.  It just proves that you can have all the experience in the world but it really doesn’t matter once you get over twenty-five.  The average work week seems to hit near seventy hours for most of the population.  How are people with children supposed to survive?

Meet my friend Kyle and his best friend Steph, they’ve known each other for years.  They would talk every day, for hours sometimes.  They would laugh, joke around and bring each other out of slumps.  Then Steph hit the jackpot and won the lottery.  Steph told Kyle her worries were all over and things were going to be all aces.  Then Steph disappeared. She sent the odd message, when she knew Kyle was offline, a cowardice act if you want an honest opinion.  She knew his internet habits and also knew he was very ill at the time but that didn’t matter.  Kyle looked at her avoidance as trite and quite rude.  All the endless hours he spent with her, listening to all her woes and lifting her spirits when she was near the brink of losing her sanity.  Kyle got pissed at her and you know what I don’t blame him.  It goes to show you how money changes people and how quickly they forget what you’ve done for them.  How quickly would you become insignificant in a situation such as this?

Money, the route to all evil.  Yup, that’s it in a nut shell.  Sure having money is nice but if you forget where you’ve come from and forget the people who helped you survive when you were all but lost then really what was it all for. And, in the same sense, not having money sucks and puts people in desperate times and horrible circumstances.

The reality is if you have a roof over your head, food on your table and clothing on your back, any thing else is a luxury.  Be thankful every day because you never know what tomorrow will bring.  You too, could find yourself homeless out in the cold sleeping on a heat grate out in the streets.  The next time you see someone like that don’t just walk passed them, spare a few dollars you would waste on a pack of cigarettes or buying junk food you don’t really need.  You could be saving someone’s life.  It takes very little to pay it forward.

Food for thought.

Until next time, keep your chin up to the sky and always learn to dance in the rain.

Oh and by the way THE CUP IS ALWAYS REFILLABLE!!!!!! 

PayItForward

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

**Click on any Image to redirect to the images webpage/designer where it has been provided.
All images are found using Google Image Search and are not always labelled
I hold no ownership to any image used unless otherwise stated**


Duplicity – A Quintessential Truth #15


Duplicity by kimsol

Duplicity
by kimsol

DUPLICITY:  contradictory doubleness of thought, speech, or action; especially :  the belying of one’s true intentions by deceptive words or action

You know I am pretty much a calm person but when pushed I don’t lie down and cry, I fucking push back.  I woke today with great anticipation and happiness.   After over a 4 month writing hiatus I had finally been bitten by the writing bug again late last night and I did so and posted and I was pleased. So this morning after rolling around in bed for 3 waking hours I was ready to get writing again, I had an avalanche of ideas going on in my head that needed to be written out and I penned two pieces of poetry and that is when things turned to shit.

Last night I penned a piece called “Forever had an Ending”  and it was a mere take on internet relationships comings and goings basically, different scenarios not directed to any one person(s) in specific and names were completely fictitious and I was damn proud of it.  But, one person had to throw something negative in my direction and start idle gossip behind my back.  WoW…Really?  You expected me to roll over and die….NEVER!    I won’t back down. It’s about time that this person got put into their place.  Listen, I’ve been around a long damn time and you know what?  I ain’t going nowhere…FACT.

Your duplicity is your burden to bear, not mine.

See here’s the thing when someone writes a comment and then deletes it the person it’s addressed to still gets the email and is able to see what was written.  It didn’t crush me, it bewildered me for a second and then I got angry.  After chatting with a friend I realized something, what I had written was fine and could have stood as it was but I took a new approach and bore compassion, how nice of me.  I figured better to adjust and save grace rather than cause an uproar, it was initially written describing such a commonplace happening, but now it’s my time to vent.

So, this “someone” tried to tarnish me in  eyes of others with idle gossip and added lies to a distorted truth, they failed. That article I penned describes at least half a dozen, if not more, of the people I know.  But what that initial reaction did do was send me back to the original article and take it from 1500 word count to an extended 3005 word count so it doubled in size and I am even prouder of it.  All this person’s arrogant negativity did was fuel my fire.  Thanks for being a cunt and giving me even more of will to write. It is just writing and things like that happen to people I know day in and day out.  If anyone found some similarity it’s coincidental I assure you and I will not apologize for it. They read only what they wanted to see and not what it was.  To make things worse I was woken up at 6:17 am by an attack from the same person via FB Messenger with a barrage of bullshit immaturity resembling a highschool lockerroom full of jealousy and idle babbling.  I was so not in the mood, it was not the right time and I was not the right person.  I stood my ground, with dignity, like a grown woman and like I always do.  Told this person they were narcissistic, that they needed to get their shit together and that they were sulking and needed to knock it off.

I was not put on this earth to be lead around with a collar and a leash, I possess free will.  If a person choses to look at everything from a negative viewpoint or think everything is about them it’s their choice to make if they are irrational you can not talk to them and if they harbor some sort of jealousy for no known reason it’s on them not the rest of us.  Clearly, I didn’t put their own personal thoughts into their head.  They tried to mold a situation to fit their own cause to direct anger in my general direction through vindictive measures.  They failed miserably.  I stand here highly supported in my conviction and stand my ground like the strength that dwells within me.  I’m not someone that can be pushed or manipulated, not any more.  They saw me as a threat before…….they ain’t seen nothing yet.  I’m not about to stop what I do anytime soon.

Writers have a right to create what they feel without being judged for it constantly.

See my face, know I mean what I say.

I ain’t nobody’s bitch!!!!

JillyG

JillyG

Battle Cry by lady-atropos

Battle Cry by lady-atropos

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

**Click on any Image to redirect to the images webpage/designer where it has been provided.
All images are found using Google Image Search and are not always labelled
I hold no ownership to any image used unless otherwise stated**


The Delicate Dove


wallpaper-dove-4Stout body, driving fight

she has strength and moves with purpose

she perseveres and turns wounds into wisdom

in her essence she is a gift to the world.

She is strong and independent but also delicate

She loves, like exploring depths of the sea

She is intact but firm

She is feminine but sometimes empty on the inside.

imagesShe follows not a set of rules

but there is nothing rigid about her

she is womanly and free when she is not trapped inside her own head.

She nurtures, at times to a fault.

She is indifferent to drama and vibrant with light

she is not afraid to fail

she is classy, fabulous and loved

she wants to be appreciated and treated with kindness and respect always.

Heaven_Dove

She breaks down barriers and stands tall

she creates herself to those who think she is small

she knows solitude and balance

she is  not afraid of self-reflection

she is always searching, learning and growing.

 

She is a delicate dove seeing all and showing love

she knows there are no shortcuts to avenues worth going

she is strong now and always worth knowing.

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Honor our mothers, daughters and sisters

they may not have it easy but what they give you today can improve all your tomorrows.

Behold the delicate dove, woman, as you know her and should show her love.

"Gazelle" by AnnThrax

“Gazelle” by AnnThrax

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

**Click on any Image to redirect to the images webpage/designer where it has been provided.
All images are found using Google Image Search and are not always labelled
I hold no ownership to any image used unless otherwise stated**

 

 

 

 


Childhood’s Hour – A Quintessential Truth #12


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What can we create inside of one hour

when we are a child we can build a pillow tower

A couch fort to hide in

A castle of power

the things we create inside that one hour.

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When we are young with no cares in the world it is easy to be creative.  Tapping our imagination comes so easily.  We take out our toys and the world is ours.  As we grow older we often lose this ability or we become scared to show for others will laugh or believe us immature.  I’m okay with that.  I like being in touch with my inner child.  Especially when my body is again far faster than it should.  Being silly at times makes me laugh.  I love to laugh.  I’ve laughed so hard I’ve peed a little which makes me laugh even more.  I have laughed til I’ve cried.  I have laughed til I’ve coughed myself sick.  now that’s some laughing!

At forty-six I will still build a couch fort, colour in colouring books and watch looneytunes.  Laughter is definitely the best medicine and when I can laugh at myself, even though I’m in incredible pain or so incredibly sick on some days,  laughing even for a second brings relief.

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Laugh at least once a day

there’s always a way

a joke, a story

keeps woes at bay.

Laugh

just laugh

yuck it on up

laugh til you have tears in your eyes

mess that pretty make-up job up.

Laugh

I say

laugh it on out

laugh, giggle

scream joy and shout.

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015


Oxygen for the Soul – A Quintessential Truth #11


Copyright © Shanta Gabriel.

Copyright © Shanta Gabriel.

When we finally realize our potential and take a moment to breathe, we open ourselves up to accept our destiny.  Take lessons we’ve learned and apply them to free ourselves from cages that bind us preventing our own growth.

So many times we confine our potential selves to temporary self-jail sentences to be served in pain and our own purgatory.  In a split second we can be devoured by darkness and until we open our eyes, minds, hearts and souls, we lie there suffocating.  It takes a lot of self-doubt to wind up in the dark corner curled up in the fetal position waiting for the cloak of death to completely engulf what is left of our weary bodies.  But, it takes a tremendous amount more for us to fight that overwhelming darkness and reach down deep inside and find ourselves, our worthy selves and pull from our very essence the will to fight against the devil on our shoulder and reach out for the seraph who’s stepped forth with light to guide us back to the land of the living.

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It’s easy to give in but when one does the shroud of darkness that consumes us has an ability to make us act out and become irrational.  We then start reaching for anything or anyone who makes us feel just one ounce of something normal or being needed.  These are times where we don’t always make the best choices or decisions.  We act out of turn with behaviours that just aren’t us.

I’ve always possessed the ability to feel with and for those around me.  I’m an Empath not by choice but by birth.  It’s just who I am.  I literally feel the pain of others around me.  It’s impaling and painful on one’s body.  It allows me to see people for who they really are and I then listen to my inner essence for the way in which a response of healing shall come.  Now, some of you are sitting there saying to yourselves oh no, another nut who thinks she can heal people.  This is far from the truth.  What I mean is simple.  If you truly pay attention and get to know someone you can see signs of when they are happy, sad, falling or completely in trouble and take those signs to really help them from deep within yourself.

Twin Flames Blue Decor Chakra Art Print

Twin Flames Blue Decor Chakra Art Print

Something small can touch someone, leave them speechless, mute them for a moment so they can gather their thoughts or compose themselves but if they can spark a feeling inside, even if to come up with random words in singular fashion such as happy, content, safe, touched, stunned, strong or belief, then you have achieved reaching their inner will to live.  If timed perfectly you can speak volumes all the ways that can make an incredible difference in someone’s life providing them the oxygen they need to thrive again.  Remind someone that “they can and do make a difference to others” and you have given them the greatest gift, the will to live, the will to believe in themselves, to realize “they matter” and it is the best gift you could ever give.  Simple reminders why one should never ever give up on themselves.

It can be so wonderful to read things and see that someone really gets you and understands.  It also says that you really do pay attention and remember the things that matter.

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Knowing someone’s soul and their gentleness takes time and dedication.  It doesn’t happen over night, although some may think so.  If you know where someone’s deepest sadness lays you can throw out a safety net just in time to change their course and catch them when they start to fall.  Helping by becoming a beacon of light can be refreshing.  Knowing true contentment is gratifying and keeps your soul at peace.  It has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with reality and knowing one’s inner most self.

“Pave the way with light & abandon darkness”

Being a like-minded soul can develop everlasting friendships where you learn and teach in synchronicity.  You cannot grow if you mimic another.  You must put forth your own voice and be seen for being you.

“Keep your destiny in tact”

Embrace your inner most self and don’t force it.  Fairytales aren’t real.

Breathe me

Breathe oxygen.

Violet Flame Psychedelic

Violet Flame Psychedelic

etsynightangel21

 

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

**Click on any Image to redirect to the images webpage/designer where it has been provided.
All images are found using Google Image Search and are not always labelled
I hold no ownership to any image used unless otherwise stated**


Revelations and Reflections – Quintessential Truth #4


DSCF2089“Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.”

This past weekend has brought about many reflections and I’ve come to realize that a lot of things just don’t matter and have no place in my life any longer.  Last night I decided to delete 34 pieces of my posted and shared written work.   Most of the pieces were trivial and insignificant, therefore, why keep them at all.  I’ve left my mark.  I can save the space on my Word Press for better and newer things.  Besides there are 164 pieces still left to peruse over any time for those who wish.

I will always be learning and growing because there are so may infinite possibilities in life.  What was deleted no longer has any meaning.  They just had no place where I am or where I’m going.

I realized through my own children that some people will pretend to care so that they will have a front row seat to my struggles and if you write out your emotions all you carry out is providing those spectators their entertainment and gossip topic of the day. If you take the driver’s seat you lead your own journey and if I have one of those days where I must unleash the flying monkeys, I can find a new avenue to do so and no one is the wiser.  There will always be people who don’t like me or don’t get me and I will always not give a fuck about those types of people.  I will divert my time to more things that matter.

I’ve raised worldly and smart kids who pointed these things out to me this weekend; well shit they really have paid attention to me when I talked to them so it’s my turn for them to educate me on a few things after all it is only fair. They are kind and caring and like me, and like me they take no shit and also know when using one’s own silence is a golden opportunity to regroup.

“Awakening is a shift in consciousness in which thinking and awareness is separate.”

by Eckhart Tolle

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SELENOPHILIA (N) Loving the moon and finding it soothingly captivating.

When you look at the night sky what do you see?

I see calm and peaceful serenity

I see reflection time

time for me

a peaceful time to let my mind be free.

A realization, of how much of my time is spent on Social Media for others, it’s far too much.  It took my kids to point it out and voice their opinions for me to see it.  Family is far more important and some of that spent time has caused me more stressful situations and attacks to my health that really aren’t needed.  My health has deteriorated at a rapid pace in the past 6 months and currently the doctor doesn’t know why and keep sending me for test after test.   There are days where I can’t walk, I experience dizziness and loss of balance, memory loss, confusion, blurred vision amongst other things to embarrassing to talk about.

I have decided to cut back from it quite a bit.  There is more to life than being cooped up in front of a computer just to see what’s going on.  The more time spent away from it the more relaxed one becomes and the feeling of comfort is gratifying.  There is no pressure and less stressors to set one-off.   I will be lessening my presence via Twitter and have closed all other accounts except my FB Page and Google+ page, I’m going to be a bit selfish for my health and welfare until I can sort out what the hell is going on with my health.  I will still share and retweet but it’s not going to consume me like it has for the past two years.  The need for more fresh air and sunlight and relaxation is greater than the need to make my presence known.  I’ve spent too much time in darkness and need to enjoy the sun, walk in the rain and let the droplets hit my face and wake me up.  You won’t be seeing me around on weekends any more.  The weekends are for my family time and by that I mean my immediate true blood  family, the ones I live with, the children I gave birth to and my beautiful grandbabies.  Life is too short, I am 46 and in poor health.  I want to thrive on every moment I have left with them and not miss a single day.

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My girls, Carissa Marie and Caylie Annalise

Before you know it time has passed you by and once it has you can’t get it back.  It’s time to savour life and embrace what matters, shelve what doesn’t, live in the moment and find yourself.

“Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, it’s about who walked into our life, said “I’m here for you” and proved it.”

Lately there are only a small handful that have fulfilled this venture, the rest have just managed to suck life right out of me over a two-year period in one way or another and I’m not willing to let it happen any longer.  I’ve been angry and frustrated for so long with no resolve on some things and no reason on others, I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to smile and smiling is so very important to me.

I do cherish the true friendships I’ve forged and always will.  I will be there for those people, they know who they are without my making a list of names public and I am forever grateful for all that you have done and continue to do for me.  I will always return the favour to you, my dear ones.  I’ve learned to take things in stride and that my silence is golden and my energies are directed where they are needed to be.

**********

My Sister and My kids and me, we know how to have fun and just be silly.

My Sister and My kids and me, we know how to have fun and just be silly.

Remember when we were young and had no cares in the world.  We ran around pretending to be super heroes who were saving the world.  Now as adults we sit and watch the world deteriorate around us on the news.  How times change and we quickly forget about our youth and become clouded.  On June 19th, 2015, the night before my only son as to marry I was trying to piece together where the last 27 years have gone.  Yes, I said 27 years, I’m shocked to.  It seems like only yesterday he was placed in my arms, my first-born and only son, my Christopher Michael.  All ten pounds of him, that’s an eye opener right there.

My Christopher

My Christopher

It was an epic and emotional weekend but one hell of a good ride.  It woke me up, showed me how my kids have grown up.

My kids

My kids

The drive up to the Deerhurst Resort was beautiful.  It took us 2 1/2 hours but this time I wasn’t the driver, this time I rode shotgun.  The world of travel is very different from this side of the car.  I was gobsmacked when we hit the country roads.  So many rock formations along the route, right in my province no less, mere feet from my front door.  I grabbed my phone and started taking picture after picture.  Miles of Fir and Evergreen trees, so tall and brilliantly green in the blue sky, what a refreshing change of scenery without a doubt, thank you Goddess for such beautiful intoxicating nature.  When we arrived and checked in it wasn’t five minutes and my son dropped into our room with my grandbabies.  I’d forgotten how stressful weddings can be and with children in tow, one might as well have a Valium drip running 24/7.

My grandson, Brayden, who is all of three years old and is wound like a spin top in the energy group, decided it would be a great idea to get soaking wet and covered in sand.  This reminded me to remember to just be free and have fun.  It was such a joy to watch him laughing and splashing in the water.

My Grandson

This is what matters to me, not virtual presence and pats on the back.

When my time comes I want to be able to say that I lived to the fullest and enjoyed everything.  I plan to take it all in one day at a time and embrace it fully.

I don’t need to be only known as a part of any particular group for validation.  I have my integrity and my versatility.  This matters more than anything.  I can stand on my own two feet and be proud of who I am, your approval is neither desired nor required for me to find happiness.

The judgemental will always judge and the strong always stand tall.  Put simply I will traverse life’s journey as it comes.  I’m not afraid to forge my footpath and travel outside what is the norm.

Take me as I am or don’t take me at all.

JillyG

JillyG

The little things, well they don’t really matter any more.

A True Angel, Quintessence,

I will Always be,

I need not approval to validate me

I stepped outdoors and took it all in

This is where all the bullshit ends and where I truly begin.

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015


Dementia


As I sit here, I can’t remember why I sat here in the first place.

Now, I’m not even sure I’m sitting here or just dreaming of sitting here.

Someone in a white coat enters my room, at least I think it’s my room, I’m in it, so it must be mine.

He’s saying some about the progression being varied.  they want to do  advanced brain imaging, clinical examinations and diagnostic testing, I wonder if they mean on me.

I’m struggling to think, to remember.

For a long time I would go to bed early, now I seem to live in a bed.  When did I move to this location.  How did I become so alone.

I had a family, where did they go.  Why aren’t they here with me.

My reasoning has become faulty

My communication skills are gone.

Time and place don’t make sense.

My legs give out from underneath me .

I’ve lost the ability to care.

I no longer know what is safe.

Hallucinations, paranoia create agitation.

“What day is this?”

“Why am I here, is this my room?”

“No, I can’t do what you ask, I don’t want to , get out!!!”

“What day is this?”

“Mom, it’s me, your daughter”

“No, get out, I have no daughter”

“What day is this?”

Dear Diary;

The inevitable changes of again are both humbling and surprising.  I know I’m not a child, my skin has wrinkles, hair is thinning and fading, my body is chilled.  My working memory is going, today I remember, tomorrow I will forget.  I write this while lucid, trying to keep my brainpower active some how.

“Light’s out”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“What day is this?”

“Why am I here?”

Doctor:  The speed of learning slows down, her short-term memory is taking longer to function.

Daughter:  Can she recover from this?

Doctor:  She now requires  greater need for hints to jog her memory.  Soon that won’t be enough.  Her ability between distinguishing fact from fiction will only worsen.  had we caught it sooner, there would have een a greater chance of recovery.

Dear Diary;

They talk like I’m not here.  My healthy brain,this miraculous machine inside my skull has started to malfunction.  The prospect of literally losing one’s self is traumatic.  In this lucid moment I think what would Kurt Vonnegut say…..

“What should young people do with their lives today?  Many things obviously.  But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible diseases of loneliness can be cured.”

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion.  I, myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”

 

“Lights Out”

>>>>>>>>>>

“What days is this?”

“Why am I here?”

FACT

Because dementia and it’s symptoms can be caused by any number of conditions, obtaining an correct diagnosis is critical for management and treatment.  The sooner you address the problem, the better, so make an appointment with your doctor right away if you suspect you may have any issues.

 

Use this questionnaire to test whether a person’s memory loss needs further assessment.

Memory
1. Does your loved one have memory loss? Yes No
2. If yes, is his or her memory worse than a few years ago? Yes No
3. Does your loved one repeat questions, statements, or stories in the same day? (2 points) Yes No
4. Have you had to take over tracking events or appointments, or does your loved one forget appointments? Yes No
5. Does your loved one misplace items more than once per month, or so that he or she can’t find them? Yes No
6. Does your loved one suspect others of hiding or stealing items when he or she cannot find them? Yes No
Orientation
7. Does your loved one often have trouble knowing the day, date, month, year, or time, or check the date more than once a day? (2 points) Yes No
8. Does your loved one become disoriented in unfamiliar places? Yes No
9. Does your loved one become more confused outside the home or when traveling? Yes No
Functional Ability (excluding physical limitations)
10. Does your loved one have trouble handling money (tips, calculating change)? Yes No
11. Does your loved one have trouble paying bills or doing finances? (2 points) Yes No
12. Does your loved one have trouble remembering to take medicines or tracking medications taken? Yes No
13. Does your loved one have difficulty driving or are you concerned about him or her driving? Yes No
14. Is your loved one having trouble using appliances (e.g. microwave, oven, stove, remote control, telephone, alarm clock)? Yes No
15. Does your loved one have difficulty completing home repair or other home-related tasks, such as housekeeping? Yes No
16. Has your loved one given up or significantly cut back on hobbies such as golf, dancing, exercise, or crafts? Yes No
Visuospatial Ability
17. Does your loved one get lost in familiar surroundings, such as their own neighborhood? (2 points) Yes No
18. Does he or she have a decreased sense of direction? Yes No
Language
19. Does your loved one have trouble finding words other than names? Yes No
20. Does your loved one confuse names of family members or friends? (2 points) Yes No
21. Does your loved one have trouble recognizing familiar people? (2 points) Yes No

Score:

Interpreting the score:

  • 0 to 4: No cause for concern
  • 5 to 14: Memory loss may be MCI, an early warning of Alzheimer’s
  • 15 and above: Alzheimer’s may have already developed

This questionnaire is not intended to replace professional diagnosis.

Source: BMC Geriatrics

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

**Click on any Image to redirect to the images webpage/designer where it has been provided.
All images are found using Google Image Search and are not always labelled
I hold no ownership to any image used unless otherwise stated**


Another Sleepless Night


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Another day done, it’s late, yawning like mad.  Although frustrated and depressed I do my usual bedtime routine and finally put my head on my pillow for a hopeful dreamless nights rest.

Guess Again…….

I toss and turn, blankets on , blankets off, pillow under one knee then both, side – back and  side again, now it’s close to three hours of this shit even though I’m tired as hell my brain decides, yet once again, it does not want to shut down.  No matter how hard I try to relax and put everything out of my mind, it just seems to keep on ticking like a bloody Timex watch.  I swear if the energizer bunny starts parading around my room with his big drum I will not be held responsible for beating him to pieces with my baseball bat.  I sit up look at my bedroom door waiting for him to burst in, as a good pummeling on him will release a lot of anxiety and probably bring on the restful sleep I need after said deed is done.

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1..2..3.. nothing,damn.  No little cute fluffy Serta sheep either…..What the hell; I hear they talk, at least I could share a few lame jokes and some conversation until I got bored enough to pass out, right?

Shafted Again…..

press-sm

Thanks brain, you know your hyper drive sensibility would come in handy for things like coming up with excuses to get out of Jury duty, or ways to convince me that laundry, if left long enough, will move itself to someone else’s house piece by piece over time or even convince me that the dog will walk himself if I give him his own house-key and the garbage will take itself to the bin for pick-up.  I heard it’s easy like that instead of keeping me up for days on end.  Any hoots brain, I must be getting to you because you are starting to throb inside my skullcap.

Nice, now I have Frustration, Depression, insomnia and a headache.  So I get back up again grab my wears for tomorrow to save a trip up two flights of stairs, make my side of the bed and head back down to the living-room to camp out on the couch for the remainder.

What to watch, well, my PVR is 68% full of recorded shows so I’ve got choices — Ghost Adventures Marathon it is.  Brain racing like Hammy Hamster on steroids running his wheel off its pivot points, skull has now formed its own pulse, eyes blurry. What the hell, let’s write about our little insomniac adventure, in the dark, no less, the only light is what is coming from the 60″ TV screen.  This should be fun.  Grab a Dr. Pepper from the fridge, cause I’m a pepper to, light a smoke, off we go.

Great, now that I’ve been sitting here, bent forward writing this in my composition book,while straddling the ottoman, my positioning has now given me a sore tail-bone and pins and needles in both my legs.  Is this shit really happening.  Oh, and the cable box has now decided to shut down for a reboot right in the middle of a good episode of GA.  Fuck sakes, get up, walk around now my ass-cheeks hurt.  It’s now five in the morning.  Normally I would read but I can’t when I have a headache, won’t let me concentrate.  I’m not even sure how I’m writing all this right now.  Guzzle some Dr. Pepper and let out a womanly man-belch, stretch arms up over head and hear, Snap-Crakcle and Pop, who invited those little creatures in here at this hour?  It’s far to early for breakfast cereal.  The dog has taken up the corner of the sectional and is on his back with all fours in the air showing of his tiny man-basket, sound asleep.  How polite of him to go commando this evening.

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At some point the Sandman is going to show up, the little prick, he can’t avoid me forever.  He’s obviously changed his route, again. I so loath it when he does that without advance notice.   Hopefully he will get here soon or I may be forced to entertain myself and wear a couch cushion as a cowboy hat and pretend the ottoman is a bucking bronco and ride it round the living-room, although my neighbours may think someone is being murdered over here due to the noise it would generate.

You know at this point I’m way over tired and nothing makes sense.

Rosie the prostitute just rode up on her tricycle and asked if I wanted a date.  I’m thinking, you know she’ll look pretty good all bent out of shape with that tricycle as a bow around her mangled torso.  Oh, my bad, it was just the cat knocking something over in the kitchen and watching roll across the floor towards me and annoying the shit out of me.

Clearly, you can now see that a form of fatigued delirium is nesting into my grey matter which means, aw yes, here he is, only six hours late, the Sandman is presently trying to climb in through  the living-room window.  I should have left some of my snap – crackle and pop underneath the sill for him to step on for shits and giggles but at this point I’m done, no more gas in the tank.

Time to let the dream-scape come and take me away.

He ripped me off, little fuck.  The Sandman left icing sugar instead of sleep dust and now my eyes are caked, itchy and as itchy as the Tasmanian Devil whirling wildly through a massive cluster of multiple biting mosquitos .  Well that is just freaking great!

Seven am Wednesday morning, it is Wednesday, right?

I try the Nature Sounds channel, peaceful sounds to lull me off to slumber…. no dice.  Hubby is up for work, the dog just woke up and gang-tackled me to be let out for his morning office meeting and the kid is up, music pounding, as she gets ready for school.  Can teenagers not get ready for school without a plethora of bass pounding into their ear-holes loud enough for the neighbours in the next town to hear.  Hmm, plethora, there is a word and  a half, at some point I will google it to see what it actually means, right now it just sounds good.  PPPLLLEETH-oooorrraaaa…

Where was I?

Sorry, are you still here with me?

Yeah, that happens in my current state.  It’s kind of like giving a kids a toy to play with and then waving a chocolate cupcake in front of their eyes.  OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MINE!!!

Looks around the room, sighs, sees cellphone sitting on the arm of the couch.

Fuck it, grabs phone to check out what’s doing……

*ding goes  chat notification*

Good Morning, very little sleep over here!!!

It’s morning but not good . haven’t slept at all since day before yesterday

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And the conversation with my saving grace, my sister from another mother.  We chitty chat chatted til 9:32 am.  She worked her magic and pulled me out of my funk and made me “smile” lots, and not just smile, ear to ear grins and some laughter and a few snorts.  I won’t name her, but she knows who she is.  Right there, when I needed someone the most to yank my ass out of the darkness,  she knew and she was there.  There never has been quite a soul like her ever in my life.  I adore her completely.  She is the Real Deal.

Although it  is 1:26 in the afternoon and I still have not had any sleep what-so-ever, I feel completely energetic just from that one conversation and started my day off with a positive outlook.  I still do not feel tired and as I type this I say Thank You from the bottom of my heart for the one Guardian Angel, who stepped from shadows into my withering light and gave me hope.  This I shall never ever forget.

Always There

Lately, you are there when I am Depressed

or when I am Frustrated

you are there when I am ready to give it all up

to make my clock stop

or when I am Tormented

you are there when I need Balance

you are always so fair

always there

when I need you

you just know

you just show up

out of the blue

that is why

I forever thank  you!!

My friend, My sister at arms.

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015


Caged, Set Yourself Free by Quintessence


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Writers live many lives, become many characters and occasionally, have conversations with themselves until the wee hours of dawn.

During creative times writers sometimes look for and need encouragement. But there are some who, while they think are providing encouragement, actually try to cage the writer and guide them to write things they aren’t comfortable with.  I’ve seen this happen to many a fellow writer.  It’s a sad fact, it happens and for whatever reason these so-called guides become controllers and cause the writer un-do stress and the writer can become unsure of themselves, question their own work or even give up writing altogether.

These types of “guides” are not doing the writer any favours by burrowing inside the writers grey matter and manipulating them.  Things like this are done out of jealousy, control and spite.  It is purely a cruel act, especially when one becomes part of a group of writers.  Never should one be told that they are to only exclusively writing “for the group”.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you this, nor should you ever let anyone tell you what to write about or how to write it.  Allowing others to control your flow does not allow the natural creative flow of your quill come from within you.

Know that you are a free spirit and what you produce is beautiful if it pleases you.  If you are happy with what you produce then you are set free from the confines of the cage they try to keep you in.  Allowing natural flow provides you freedom and in some cases healing.

Not everyone writes to become rich and famous.  Many of us write as a form of self-therapy and through our own bravery decided to share via Social Media.  Thus connections are formed.  Touch just one soul with any piece of your work and the rewards are endless.

When you allow others to manipulate what you are writing, the style you are writing it in and how you present it, you lose a part of yourself and you lose free flow in your own creative senses.  Let your writing come from within your soul.  It’s a beautiful thing and there are many of us out there who are perfectly willing to read and share your work as you present it to the world.  Free of the cage, free of restraints, free of scrutiny and free of the sordid bullshit some would try to pull on you.

I’ve seen some pretty manipulative folk in my forty-six years and one thing I know with all certainty is that a leopard will never change its spots. Once they show their true colours you see them for who and what they truly are; liars, fakes, bullies, jealous beings, who want to ruin you if you don’t conform to their ways.  These types of people are always miserable, always talking shit behind others backs, moving from person to person spreading rumours and causing unnecessary fights amongst the ranks.  just remember if they are talking to you about others then they are talking to others about you in the same manner. This is not supportive at all, just a group of wickedness, unhappiness, ruthlessness and destruction that they cage themselves in, thus having to pull others into the hell of their existence and unhappiness so they can feel their own self-worth.

Surround yourself with like-minded people as yourself.  

Look for happiness not misery.

Seek supportiveness and kindness, not bossiness, hostility or negativity.

Most importantly – Write for yourself and not to please someone else.

If you feel it, write it

Set Yourself Free.

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

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Rectitude by Quintessence


 

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My moral compass is in tact

I’m a strong woman

There’s no doubt about that.

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Never

will I strip my uprightness

Honesty and good character

heightens my brightness

woman_silhouette

Ethics

are solid upholding my gravity

My virtue is gold

there’s no path for depravity

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Decency

is what I’m about

My dignity’s intact

Nobility vigorous

I’ll never sell out

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I chose

to live

an honorary life

My significance

strong

I don’t live

in  strife

Patrice-Murciano-acrylic-painting

I strive

for morality

The magnitude

of

the Quintessence

Integrity

patrice-murciano-acrylic-painting-girl

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

 


Forever Thankful by Quintessence


Apple-world-nature-artwork-by-blankenho

Do you ever have  one of those days you are just so full of hope and happiness that you don’t know where to start your thank you list?

I am thankful for so many things like the birth of my children and grandchildren, my loving husband and my supportive internet family.

Internet Family, now there is a long list of thank yous to be given.  In the past three years there have been an avalanche of supportive and encouraging people I have come to know on many levels. Through writing, chatting, sharing and watching interactions and getting involved.

I see others, once broken, flourishing at abundant rates and I well with warmth and happiness from inside.  Smiles are a permanent fixture and each day when I log on I know I will see a glorious flow of happiness, positivity and ongoing support.

There are some tremendously brave warriors facing battles with illnesses and recoveries from treatments but through all their pain and suffering they still make time to lend love, encouragement and support to others.  These acts of pure unselfish love are amazing to see.  They give us all with hope.  Reasons to keep going, keep moving forward, to never give up on ourselves.  Casting no judgements.  Calling no names of negativity but sharing names of loving endearment.

This is what I am thankful for.  Seeing everyone pull together in times of need. 

I am thankful for all of you, who show love, encouragement and support me through it all.

Thank you for being you, being real, being true.

YOU ALL MAKE MY HEART SING

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Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson CopyRight Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

Original written work of Gillian A. Gibson Copy Right Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2015

 

**Click on any Image to redirect to the images webpage/designer where it has been provided.
All images are found using Google Image Search and are not always labelled
I hold no ownership to any image used unless otherwise stated**


A Letter to the Stalking Trolls


internet_troll11

You know I have to sit and literally laugh my ass of sometimes.

So, I recently found out that I have a couple of stalkers and trolls who, for whatever reason feel the undying need to spy on me from the shadows under a few different names and see how I manage to be one of the positive influencers through social media and gain popularity along with my peeps and peers.  They are dying to know who I socialize with who is in my inner circle.  What business dealings I have going on and how I’m doing it.

I am baffled…and histaricaly laughing on a regular basis. It doesn’t anger me in the least that they spend so much of their waking hours to the point of exhaustion on little old me and my friends.  Getting all flustered and angry and having tantrums with their inner circle, small though it may be.  I’m truly laughing while typing this cause this shit is funny as hell.

You see it’s like this folks, just be satisfied with what you are doing in your own little spot in the world. Don’t concern yourselves with what Jane and John Doe are doing.  So what, they’ve got it going on.  Maybe you trolls don’t and that is what drives you into the trolling business.  Are you really that miserable with yourselves?   Does your life really suck that much?  Are you ignoring your own off-spring and significant other just so you can sit at your computer for endless unproductive hours in a day?

Maybe someone should create a Trolls-R-Us Intervention on you before you wind up in the psychiatric hospital for wayward trolls.  I mean trying to fit a troll in a straight-jacket is going to be rather difficult and how would you type then?  Doctor Snotehmheizer would have to come and check on you hourly to make sure you haven’t hung yourself with your bed linens.   Then pump you full of glow in the dark medicines just for fun.  OH, as a matter of fact, here comes the Doctor now with your bedtime story…..

Your dismal abyss is a very dark place

and you’re so lost you can’t even feel it.

You drive yourself mad to the point of collapse

The rest of us don’t even see it.

We carry along with a smile on our faces

while you moan and groan in your very own feces.

What a sad little soul is the life of a troll

no one cares you even exist.

You couldn’t fight your way out of brightly lit room

with a map and a tour guide to show you.

We all sit here laughing in high happy gloom

while you sit in room gnawing your fist.

We’ll type up a storm and continue our norm

While you troll the websites for your next internet tryst.

We point and we laugh as you snarl and you spit

and wallow around in your own pile of shit.

We thank you

We truly do

For knowing we have seeped under your skin

without doing a thing

It’s quite an empowering feeling

knowing we sanction your insanity commissions

The undertaking is rather appealing.

troll

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Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2013

Protected by the Crimson Vaults 2013

 


The Body Beautiful


Beautiful Animal Body Painting by Gesine Marwedel

Beautiful Animal Body Painting by Gesine Marwedel

The body beautiful

unique and individual

unstoppable and secure

when comfortable

shy and awkward

hidden when insecure

afraid and self-conscious

when unsure.

John Poppleton, Trav'Lin Lights

John Poppleton, Trav’Lin Lights

The body beautiful

surprisingly similar

the sexes are homogeneous

simple yet

distinctly individual

pure yet unexplored

stark naked

lunar glow familiar.

The Blue Dawn neosurrealism.artdigitaldesign.com

The Blue Dawn
neosurrealism.artdigitaldesign.com

The body beautiful

softness untraveled

curves and contours uncharted

dimples and fine hairs unknown

scars of life’s journeys

embedded and kept quiet.

by John Poppleton

by John Poppleton

Awakened by one so true

guided by one another

explored through and through

an open channel

stepping boldly

continuing forward

toward completion

of self-awareness.

The body beautiful

naked and bare

unclothed, stripped and uncovered

exposed and unguarded

vulnerable and helpless

open to discover.

John-Poppleton-body-painting-black-light-6

John-Poppleton-body-painting-black-light-6

The body beautiful

it’s yours

your shell

your pelt

your skin

you are alive within

The body beautiful.

www.bloodyloud.com Fashion Cycle – Artist – Karol Bak

http://www.bloodyloud.com
Fashion Cycle – Artist – Karol Bak

 

John Poppleton, from California, creates mindblowing works of art painted directly onto human skin

John Poppleton, from California, creates mindblowing works of art painted directly onto human skin

www.poppletonportraits.com Visit Poppleton Portraits on Facebook

http://www.poppletonportraits.com
Visit Poppleton Portraits on Facebook

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Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014

Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014


I, Quintessence


Quintessent

am

my creation

with each journey

I

become stronger,

less damned

indisputable.

I conform to no one

but myself

I could have been

just as easily

molded from others

lost in my identity

A personification

of indifference.

A representation,

an embodiment

or incarnation

of a normal soul

born in Crimson 

am not mediocrity

I, Quintessence

 embody a true reality

I am ostensible

I exist,

 I am genuine

no pretense

I am a pure breed

I am not diluted

I am absolute.

 I

change

like the tides

it is of my act

of determination

driven by obstacles

launched in my path

I have my reasons

for quite times 

for the changes

they bring within me.

My Strength

while it intensifies

daily

 chooses my battles.

I

stand fast

in a firm belief

that if you

have earned

a place in my life,

you shall stay

your actions

will be justly rewarded

or punished

according to your deeds.

Fate,

Destiny

Await you.

coollogo_com-65373255

 

Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014

Protected By the Crimson Vaults since 2014

 


Bandaid


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When life deals a blow

and we want to recoil

there is a distant glow

that helps us through.

The simple stretch out of a hand

to guide us along

let us know it’s alright

and we’re not really as alone as we think we are.

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One simple touch

the brush of a cheek

to let someone know

we’re there, alongside them.

Not the physical sense that most would think

but the positive reinforcement of light and healing energy to pull us from dark places

let us know that the journey and turmoil we face

is not all that there is at the moments such blows are dealt.

there is an invisible protective barrier that no one can get through

this is the inner being you know is the true you.

Fighting so hard against the pain

knowing to reach out and find your balance again.

Some of know us how to read a cry out for help

and there we stand, arms out, giving positive words

to build you back up again.

artist unknown

artist unknown

Your pain is felt down to the inner core

but can remind you what your purpose is for.

Help you find ways to trudge past the wastelands

the hurtful words thrown at you despite your best defenses

for the odd one that breaks through and leaves the slightest bruise on your soul

we’ve got the first aid kit to help you regain control.

wallpaperdj.com

wallpaperdj.com

Oh sure, they will try to dig in their heels

scramble your brain like a pit full of eels

but remember one thing they can’t take from you

your purest soul’s energies

that make you the real you.

Many people may not see your pain

but small rays of sunshine help dry up your rain.

Lift you up, dust you off

let you know it’s alright to fall

but won’t allow you hide back in the corner of the wall.

artist unknown

artist unknown

We remind you that part of that wall has come down

so don’t build it up again

or wear that old frown.

A small hurt has pain but only for a short time.

Take a deep breath and remember one thing

they don’t own your soul

you don’t owe them the art of falling backwards

keep moving forwards

the way that you planned it.

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We are your band-aid

your reminder of truth.

You’re surrounded by brightness

that lights your path

help is always there

just remember to ask.

banksy-heart-balloon-stencil-for-better-out-t-T-2gRLZ7

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Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014

Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014


I’m a Grenade


Delicious Illustration by Mike Mitchell

Delicious Illustration by Mike Mitchell

My body

a broken temple

My soul

a battered mess

Inside me lies a grenade

that will cause you undo stress.

Most can not handle

a broken life force

such as this;

as it requires much more patience

that one is willing to invest.

Chronic pain and physical weakness

crush one to the bone,

barely wanting to get out of bed,

 may as well live alone.

Something’s always hurting

pain intensely burning

every muscle and joint I own.

 Linzi Lynn 'Windswept'

Linzi Lynn ‘Windswept’

Today my jaw

Tomorrow my back

my legs

my arms

my neck

my head

My hands are burning 

each time I type.

My stomach aches from all the meds I take

my body, it tremors,

with every step I make.

artofmiami.com

artofmiami.com

Tears, I shed

each night in bed

before I close my eyes.

A pillow tucked between my legs

helps stop the muscle spasms 

in both my thighs.

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Nameless

Faceless

I’ve become;

I tell you not my pain.

Feeling like a grey cloud

on your bright and sunny day.

I suffer so in silence

cause no one understands

the battle that I go through

every day when I try to stand.

artclutch.com

artclutch.com

All I ever wanted 

was to live a normal life.

I never asked for this body

that I was granted at my birth.

I know my inner strength now

will hold me to my worth.

I haven’t given up yet

I’m not ready to say that my illness has won.

Tomorrow I will awaken

and know I have reason to continue on.

artclutch.com

artclutch.com

I shout into the void

I scream into the night

Give me strength

Give me will

Guide me with your light.

My goddess will surround me

Healing energy will be my guide

and keep away all that is negative

so I may continue my fight to survive.

I am a blooming flower

A petal upon the wind

my colors will glow like fire’s light

my essence will show the good fight;

the strength I hold within.

Forest painting - The Rose Tree

Forest painting – The Rose Tree

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Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014

Protected By the Crimson Vaults since 2014

 

 **Click on any Image to redirect to the images webpage/designer where it has been provided.
All images are found using Google Image Search and are not always labelled
I hold no ownership to any image used unless otherwise stated**


Kaleidoscope Mind


skullappreciationsociety.com

Icy shards

inside my mind

contorted blades

digging deep

A consortium

of fear

perhaps utter confusion

robbing me of sleep

How did I ever get here

this dark forsaken atmosphere

tormenting me way down deep.

A carnival of terror

dancing through my mind

on days like this

thoughts better off

becoming of the dead

Red hot poker

fire burns

piercing inside my head

pulsations in my eyes

explosions of pain and dread

abundance of colours

making no sense

twisting, turning

so intense

lost to awaken

cluttered white noise

maddening

at my expense.

Scared to close my orbs

what’s waiting for me there

behind those doors

there’s something dark

that locks me in despair

no way out

I haven’t got a prayer

Devour my soul

illusion or not

becoming trapped

in this darkened hole

catapult the pressure

torturous grenade

take away this horrid pain

before I go insane.

What rises up before me

luminous and brilliant light

Guide me out of this darkness

bring me will to fight

Wandering completely hell-bent

destruction is no more

show me what it meant

what was the torture for.

Give me back my solitude

strengthen my inner core

lead me to those wonderful things

you want me to explore

Wake me from this dreaming dust

relieve my inner pain

Give me back my frame of mind

bring me back to being sane.

These kaleidoscopic

 muddled thoughts

are my eternal shame

spinning round inside my head

confusion is its name

taking away my sanity

Depression claims it’s reign

My saneness is my mental health

but teach me without vanity

Keep me humble

protect my pride

guide me from insanity

Respect for all

standing tall

Paying it forward

to the rest of Humanity.

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Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014

Protected By the Crimson Vaults 2014