Quintessential Truth #30 – Escaping Emotional Vampires
One thing I learned very quickly in life was to get it out, let it go and trudge forward. Therefore I have done just that. Certain things just don’t matter to me any more. I could leave a vent or rant out there for everyone to see forever, but why bother. I let it out, rid my body of the stress and the healing began instantly. So, rather than make it disappear entirely I have merely moved it to a new spot and it remains should anyone need it, I certainly don’t.
When you chose to disassociate yourself from a being that has sucked the life out of you it is the most liberating thing you can ever do for yourself. Getting yourself away from toxic beings saves you from so much stress and anxiety. Especially when they are known to be emotional vampires to others. We all learn things at our own paces and for some of us it just takes a little longer to sort through the rubbish and remove the film from our eyes to see the absolute truth. A dozen neon signs can point out an issue but unless we really pay full attention we aren’t going to see those signs.
To be fully emotionally free you can not remain naive about things that are right in front of you. Stick to those who are positive and mood elevating and far away from those who suck optimism and serenity right out of you. The super-malignant ones can make you believe you are an unworthy, unlovable disease who doesn’t deserve any better than being lied to and mistreated. The subtler species inflict damage by making smaller digs which can make you feel small and incredibly bad about yourself. They love to call you overly sensitive, that’s a good one.
Protect your sensitivity, it’s important to name and combat these emotional vampires. There are four main types are you aware of them? Let me show you……
Emotional Vampire #1: The Narcissist
Their Motto – “Me First” – You know their kind – Everything is all about them. They possess a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention, and crave admiration from everywhere and you need to be very careful here because with these ones if you don’t do things their way, they become punishing, withholding, or cold and they will pull disappearing acts when they can’t have it their way. They are the types who begin things with love bombing you and everyone else ( You know the type: I only wish to spread love blah blah, blah). Then eventually would bleed or suck you dry of your positive energy or your self-worth, hence the name emotional vampire. They are emotionally limited people in the flesh and they will look for something in you that will benefit them in any way possible. They tend to get people to falsely agree with them just to get some short-term satisfaction about a matter or manage to force an apology out of you that they really don’t deserve. They always lie about a story or embellish it for their own purposes or are always in a superficial type of interaction with someone and tell you let’s not go public with things as I fear there may be some sort of fall-out or hurt feelings. They want continuous ego stroking, they need it to survive. They want to be told how brilliant they are, how loved they are, how everything is so much better when they are around. These are the worst to encounter but it is possible to escape them. Narcissists will typically involve doing anything to put them at a better light to get the attention they crave. The old look at me syndrome.
For your own protection against The Narcissist here is what you need to do:
- Keep your expectations realistic.
- Never make your own self-worth dependent on them
- Never confide your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them, they will actually squash them and use them to their own advantage
Emotional Vampire #2: The Victim
These ones are on at you on a regular basis with the oh “poor-me’ attitude and are allergic to taking responsibility for their actions. The world is always against them and almost always the reason for their unhappiness. They are great when you offer any type of solution or help but usually respond with “Yes, but.” You may end up purposely avoiding them when you see them come online. As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you and suck your brain cells dry. The Victim will tire you out rather quickly.
Protection from “The VIctim”:
- Set kind but firm limits.
- Listen briefly and respond, “ I can only listen for a few minutes.
- With a coworker, listen briefly, sympathize then say, I hope you understand, but I’m on deadline and must go back to work.
- You may want to use “this isn’t a good time” routine as well.
Emotional Vampire #3: The Controller
These one’s will obsessively try to control you and dictate what you’re supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They often start sentences with “You know what you need?” and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned, or put down.
Protection from “The Controller”:
- Never try to control a controller.
- Be healthily assertive, but don’t tell them what to do.
- Say something like, “I value your advice but really need to work through this myself.”
- Be confident but don’t play the victim or sweat the small stuff.
Emotional Vampire #4: The Splitter or Borderline Personality
Now, the splitters or borderline personality vampires see things as either good or bad and have love/hate relationships. One minute they idealize you and you are everything to them and the next you’re the enemy if you upset them. They are rather crafty at knowing how to pit people against each another and will retaliate in a sly manner if they feel you have wronged them. These people are fundamentally damaged—inwardly they feel as if they don’t exist and become alive when they get angry. They like to keep all of you on an emotional rollercoaster with their stories and you may find yourself walking on eggshells or using kit-gloves to avoid hurting their feelings.
Protection from “The splitter or borderline personality vampire”:
- Remain calm and don’t react when your buttons get pushed. (I had to learn this one the hard way because they feed off your upset)
- Create structure and limit setting. Basically walk away until they calm down and let them know that.
- Refuse to take sides when he or she tries to turn you against someone else. It’s best to show a united front and not let a splitter’s venomous opinions poison your relationships. (Another lesson I had to learn the hard way after the loss of some very good friendships, which, by the way, I am in the process of mending now thanks to their willingness to forgive)
Emotional vampires, attention whores, leeches, drama kings and queens, entitled prince or princess, egomaniacs, megalomaniacs, authoritarian dicks, love-deluded-hopeless-romantic-fanatics are often other ways to label a narcissist, but they are part of a cluster of personality disorders that tend to overlap. But, once we educate ourselves on who and what to be on the look out for we can become so much wiser and we can then take that knowledge and educate others so that they do not fall victim to someone like this.
When it comes to the negative creeps like this that are keeping you from achieving your goals, garlic probably won’t do the trick. Time to stand up and speak out. Put them in their place.
Don’t let an emotional vampire into your life and if there is one in your life now, get rid of them quick before they such the life right out of you.
This has been your Quintessential Truth…….until next time.
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