Some times in life we have to let out some of our own humility and bare our souls to the world so that others know they haven’t faced their own demons alone. I faced quite a few horrible things in life but I’ve overcome them all.
This little essay is not meant to offend anyone and is not for those who are easily offended by one persons perspective.
Please read with an open mind and not a closed one.
The saddest fact is we live in a world where bad things really do happen.
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A friend asked me once……….
“How do I stop?”
“I have a habit and it’s the hardest one to break…… see, I have been in love and been totally loved before.”
“I want that back, only problem is, I am constantly protecting myself. I throw out sarcasm and wear a mask to hide how I truly feel. I guess to push people away, so I’m not vulnerable to being hurt.”
“I’ve done it for so long to keep myself strong and protected that I do it even when my lips want to say to someone special ” I Love You and I adore you”.
“Instead, what comes out is a sarcastic remark and I’m left wishing I would have said how I really feel.”
“How do I stop putting up this shield?”
“How do I let go of this fear?”
“I want to be loved and I want to give my love, tell me please ow to stop doing this”…………
First, let me tell you, I am but a mere woman. I am not in any way, shape or form a Psychologist or doctor of any kind. I’m merely a student of life. With that said let’s look at some basics.
We’ve all done this at various ages.
Well, #1 It’s a really easy defense mechanism, isn’t it? If we block people out, they can’t hurt us. But by blocking off one relationship it can occasionally have a great effect on one or more other relationships, now can’t it? The domino effect equals pain in all directions.
#2 Control what will happen next. This is just something we convince ourselves is fact when in actuality life plays out as it’s supposed to. You really have no real power over another human being, only yourself. You simply can not predict how someone else is going to behave. But you can control your own actions.
#3 Walls – keep you as your former self, the person you were yesterday and the day before. WAKE UP SELF! You aren’t that person any more, you’ve grown some since then. You can’t be a warrior and wear someone else’s armour, now can you?
Stop and take a good look around. That person, that individual or individuals that hurt you, well they aren’t around any more, are they? Yet, you hold on to their ghosts with the walls you built up around yourself. You can’t get out and no-one else can get in. So now you’ve gone and got yourself stuck. Look, your walls may have worked when the one who hurt you was still lingering around your garden gate. But they’re gone now. They’ve moved on and look at you, standing there in your own home-made emotional quicksand. Hardly seems fair, does it?
Okay, so, I get it. You were hurt in every way possible – emotionally – mentally – possibly even physically as well so you shut down, hit life’s pause button, shut everyone out. now, your heart has rusted up like the tin-man. Do you realize what an exhaustive state you’ve put yourself in?
There you are, wall built up, standing in quicksand and rusted. Well shit, you’re a mess.
Now, it’s going to be uncomfortable for a bit but I believe we can oil you up to moveable function and pull you out of the quicksand with the back-hoe but those walls, well, you, my darling, are going to have to deconstruct them one fat fucking brick at a time. Fear not, all is not lost.
Deconstruct & Rebuild
You need to learn your truths. What makes you, you?
Here are some fundamental truths in life:
- Heartbreak will not break you, it hurts for a while but you survive it.
- Not every relationship we experience is a ‘love of a lifetime’. You will learn the signs of impending downfall with each one and it will make you stronger for the next one. it’s just the way it goes.
Now, don’t make the mistake of comparing each one either because they will all be different. ( P.S. it is inevitable, you’ll do it at about 3-4 years into a new relationship, OH YES YOU WILL, but you really shouldn’t ) MENTAL NOTE TO YOURSELVES >>>> comparisons, especially out loud and to your partner spell up and coming disaster.
Look, all relationships change over time. A small fact you can guarantee will happen.
Here’s Nine relationship phases, see how you can relate:
NOTE: ** All phases are what are considered ” compatibility test checks”
It all starts off with the INFATUATION phase
- intense attraction
- uncontrollable urge to be with each other
- intensely sexually attracted
- here, any flaws are overlooked
- getting to know each other
- long conversations ( and you actually pay attention to every word said )
- everything about each other is interesting or fascinating
- everything seems so romantic
After a mere few months of bliss we enter the DISTURBANCES phase
- you usually have your first fight
- a confrontation
- tears shed
- but, the entire incident is quickly resolved
and after you graduate that hump, you travel over to THE OPINION MAKER phase
- now you are developing opinions of each other
- you pretty much know what to expect from each other by now as well
- and assumptions about commitment are pretty much born around this time and some of these opinions & assumptions can lead you to feeling ecstatic or depressed or a bit of both. Hello! confusion or in today’s status “It’s Complicated”
Next up at bat is THE MOULDING phase ( aka Expectations )
- now you are trying to mould each other into your own expectations of each other ( I can change that little bad habit etc. )
- give and take
- bend or convince the other to see it your way
- power struggles begin
- if you get past here, it may just work. But if one or both of you are to dominant, it could mean the end.
If you have survived the moulding phase then you have actually entered into the HAPPY phase
- you have changed equally for each other, without any mental anguish, and the relationship is progressing
- expectations are understood
- happiness is all around you
You’ve heard about the seven-year-itch in marriage right? – An old-school term used years back. Well………….
Welcome to the DOUBTS phase >>> Sounds Scary RIGHT?! <<<
- by now you’ve been together for quite a few years. In today’s age I’d say about 3 maybe 4 years.
- doubts are starting to creep in
- you’re both a few years older
- you’re outlook on life may be changing
- here is usually where you start looking at past relationships ( I TOLD YOU SO )
- eyes start wandering, insecurities about getting older are setting in
- happiness vs life vs the relationship >> the big question >> IS THIS WHERE I WANT TO BE?
- you wonder, what will things be like 2 or 3 more years from now?
Enter Kinky or Sexy to stay in the game……….. That’s right people! SEXUAL EXPLORATION phase ( taking it to the next level )
- sex has now become a chore, what?! Really?! Ummm, yes! It’s always the same, has to be planned, cause you are both tired from long days at work, or you may have kids that pretty much run your life to the point where have to hire a sitter and go away for a weekend that you can’t really afford, which in turn stresses you out even more, for a romantic moment only to fall asleep on each other because you’ve just realized how quiet it is without the kids and you’re exhausted. WOW!!!! ( The Monopoly GUY retired so Captain Obvious will step in and say “Go directly to bed, do not pass Go, do not pick up 200.00, you can actually just find 200.00 more to pay for the Hotel room! )
- sex is now at its pivotal role
- looking for new sexual excitement ( NOTE FOR MY LADIES >> rumour has it when men hit their 40s they look for Skinny 20 somethings to make them feel more alive and require performance enhancing medication to keep up with them, of course it’s just a rumour, but that’s what my ex did, just saying, and that was his excuse. Mind you after the brief encounter with the blonde with the fake titties on his job site didn’t last more than a minute he went to the Dominican and picked out a mail order bride with three kids and abandoned his own three kids for her, it’ll be a green-card wedding LOL)
- you’ve become predictable from start to finish. This is a big reason a lot of relationships don’t make it past 3 or 4 years. If sexual interests differ too much and there is no communication about it one or both of you may end up stepping out and having an affair. Then it’s probably game over.
- DON’T FREAK OUT JUST YET!
- If, together, you can find exciting and creative ways to make sex more enjoyable you can strengthen your relationship rather than ruin it.
Master that and the 9th phase, complete TRUST is yours
- You love each other, flaws & all
- there is an unbreakable trust
- you know what direction you’re going in
- you know each other inside and out
- never is a moment together taken for granted
Never stop your appreciation for each other. Don’t let the dark side of any phase overcome you without trying to fix it.
Now, knowing all this are you ready to take down those walls?
Risk is one side, love is the other. Were are you willing to bend to get the love you want?
Building walls is a slight imperfection we all have. It is part of us. Is the person you want worthy of tearing down that wall? Only you can decide.
Breaking down the Walls:
First, know the difference — Emotional walls and Personal boundaries are two different things.
No-one wants to feel unfulfilled and hungry for affection. We all need an emotional connection to someone else.
We all know it’s difficult to stick up for our emotional needs when we are emotionally connected to another. So, a good place to start is by having personal boundaries. Once you know what they are pay attention and never ignore the early warning signs. Pay attention to their track record and how they treat other people they love. You can pretty much expect the same. There are always signs, if you are paying attention, you will see them.
The biggest tip I can offer is spend time with yourself. Start doing things that feel good and never engage in drama. Don’t hold our feelings in, let them out. Holding things in is like a super-surge building up behind the walls of a dam and when it bursts it will all come spilling out like a flood and once it starts it won’t stop until the water has run dry. Someone, the wrong someone, could be the receiving party for all that pent-up emotion. You must learn to speak about what you are feeling. Remember the guy from Monte Python’s Meaning of Life? ( it may have been food ) but he ate his feelings and BOOM!
Emotional walls make love impossible as long as you keep them up. It will cause you to attract all the wrong people and push away all the right ones. Not to mention the fact that they make you even more sensitive. You know what I mean, right?
You read into every little thing, assume the worst about everything and everyone, shut yourself down at any provocation and make yourself a forever victim. The only power a victim has is over you and it’s accountability. Right?! You see, as a victim – you make yourself always right — they did it to me, I draw in unhappiness every time because of them. I have no luck. I tried to hard. I suffered. I don’t deserve this. Don’t you realize by keeping yourself in this victim stage, you are never at fault for anything, therefore, you never have to do anything to change. Don’t go on and on blaming others for your pain, you’re only holding yourself hostage. Set yourself free damn it.
If you stay a victim, you will always have pain and life will just revolve around that pain. Don’t ever become so attached to your pain that you don’t know who you are without it, that would be tragic. Healthy folks experience pain but an unhealthy person will live the pain, this leads to all kinds of tragedies. So, you need to feel good about you. Thus, personal boundaries are born and you start making choices to better yourself. Find you first before looking for anyone else. Self-provide without anyone’s help. Remember “What bout Bob?” That’s right, “Baby Steps!”
If you trip and wind up marinading in a pain bath. Stop for a second and pamper yourself. You are allowed vulnerability, it’s okay. You will feel awkward around some people. You may feel little anxiety. But remember you’ve shut yourself off from everyone for so long it’s going to be like experiencing these emotions for the first time. You’ll be somewhat of an emotional virgin only now, you’re one with boundaries. Ah! see how that works?
Now, you are starting to see that for you to really live you must get rid of old, painful emotions and let new, healthy emotions take their place. You need to realize that people can, in fact, sense your emotional walls. You feel that part of you trapped inside and they feel you shutting them out. So, really, you’re not fooling everyone like you thought you were. Are you? Too many walls make you numb. You lose the feel for passion and excitement. If that happens how can you possibly have any real moments to experience. To take down those walls you must say the things you never said, get angry about the things you should have, cry the tears you held back all this time, all of them. You don’t need to protect yourself with those walls any more. Time to let go.
Remember, new love heals old pain. Take that leap forward and find new love, let it in. I needed all of this to heal myself so I’m not just waxing words here. I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. work on healing your unfinished emotional business. Write about it if it helps. Hell, you can burn it afterwards if you want to. Allow the love inside you to come out, you deserve to. You have all the courage deep inside you to let go. you are strong-willed. You can do this.
Rid your heart of the shadows that are selfish. Bring out your compassion. Remove the inner blockade.
You are truly magnificent.
You are a wonder.
You are free.
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