Have you ever felt so low about yourself that no matter what someone else says to you from their positive rainbow bank it just doesn’t register right away?
I was a bitchy bitch today, a real Debbie-downer. My friend tried his best to put a positive spin on things and I pissed all over his sunshine. I know,fuck me right. I have nerve. I even had the gall to tell him he’s never really been there for me without giving him half a chance. I suck right?
Depression is a morbid beast. It sucks us into a self-loathing sink hole and a big part of us can’t get out on our own, although we do prefer to try. Our friends try to throw us a rope of hope with a snickers bar attached to it and our broken grey matter says fuck you for trying to be nice but that shit’s gonna apply itself straight to my ass.
There’s just something about being depressed that makes us lack any rationality and at times we become so miserable we lash out at the very people who are trying to help us get past the dark moments.
I had sunk and sunk rather badly. Not to the point where I wanted to hurt myself or even think of ending it all but I was in a pretty dark place. It was swallowing every happy thought I had ever had. Static in my head, I call it, that overwhelming feeling of helplessness that takes away everything till we feel nothing but hollow inside. The one feeling that causes you to look in the mirror and start nit-picking on every little flaw you have and say to yourself no wonder no one wants to be around you, you’re a waste, you useless twat.
So, there I was, moping, and my friend randomly popped up to say hello and wish me a happy day and my sour-puss bared its ugly teeth and bit him. Now you should know at this stage he normally would recoil and disappear but this time he didn’t, he stayed and stood his ground. A little rumble in the jungle, kinda turns me on… *grin*
Anyhoots, he stayed and dammit he slapped me right on ass and said “REALLY!”
Well that stung a bit but I deserved it, after all I drew first blood, so, in turn, the bear bit back,I sat up straight. It actually shocked me at first and then I read back what I had said to him and it offended me that I said it. You know you should always read something before you hit send. (Mental note to self) If it would offend you coming from someone else addressed to you then clearly it will offend the person you are addressing. What a bitch I was. He even said ” I know your hardships and your soul, so that comment really fucking hurt, REALLY.” Fuck!, I really stuck my foot in it this time, didn’t I?
He’s trying to cheer me up and my depression is turning me all bitch-face and snappy. Life has been a real challenge for me lately, I really haven’t had much to say to anyone, mainly because everyone doesn’t need to be dragged down by my woes and be painted with my problems. They all have woes of their own, I’m certain, and I never forget that. We all wake up in the grey sometimes, some of us more than others due to our brains being wired all wrong. Yet, one simple positive message can turn things around on a dime.
It’s rough trying to find an ounce of happy when you’re depressed. You fight everyone and everything positive, not because you want to but because depression suppresses your reasoning skills. This is where you wind up trying to find ways to part the clouds. We , the depressed, may seem quiet or, at times, unreasonable, but please know, we are trying our best to function and to get through our darkness in ways only we know how to do. Sometimes we need a bit of a push to get started. My friend, who knows me all to well, pushed me. He knew I needed it and I completely adore him for sticking it out with me and not running away. Not being saucy, just doing what real friends do. Reminding us that they were once where we are currently sitting and that we were the ones acting as the life-line back to a life that truly matters. For a brief moment I lost sight of that.
I used to read every single word and get it. Lately, the words have floated past me and nothing has sunk in, nothing. That’s the life of someone living with depression. Yet, I know we are never truly alone, even when it feels like we are. We are all frantically searching for light in our darkest hours, and it is there,if not, we all would have given up long ago. Though all of our paths may deviate from time to time there are some things that remain constants. We all possess the ability to inspire at least one other person, no matter how small the gesture may be. We can help remind each other why we write it out of us, one small step at a time. Do whatever it takes for you, may it be writing, drawing, singing, painting, whatever it is that brings you back. It can get rather excruciating at times for the depressed but in the end we are battlers and lovers of life.
In most cases, at home, we don’t often have anyone who really gets us so we become entwined in somewhat of an alternate reality because on our most depressed days living live really bites. On most days I know to wear my candy-floss pigtails and step out to face the world with my shit-kickers on and no-one is the wiser of what I’m battling on the inside. But every once-in-a-while I fall victim to my depression and coming out of it isn’t an easy process. Only those suffering from depression will truly get what it is I, and many others, face in these moments.
One thing, I know, for sure, is how to do me. How to find my way out when I have fallen so deep. But I can’t always do it on my own. Sometimes I need a little help. That help usually comes from friends laying down some harsh truth. Easily, I could have gone back-and-forth with my friend in full fight mode, but really, that would solve nothing and make us both feel horrible at the end of the scope. He can be somewhat of a man-cub and a selfish prick sometimes but equally, I can be a girl-cub and down-right selfish bitch all the same and we can tell each other this on the regular and not fight about it because we are true friends and have respect for each other. We get each other. And, we’re not afraid to admit when we are wrong, though sometimes we will sit and hold our breaths until someone says uncle. Yes, we are also both stubborn as hell and there are times when we both have to be right. But give a little and the rewards are splendid. We’ve also learned how to pull each other out of our hiding spaces because our attire can match up perfectly when it needs to. He in his clown shoes and me in my candy-floss pigtails. Friends are great. Friends know our ugliness, all the way down to the last nook and cranny and they never judge and more importantly, they never, ever leave. They’re always there, through the good, bad and horrifyingly ugly, there they stand with bow ties, flowers that squirt water in our faces, claws and shit-kickers ready to take on the world. Side by side we ride the roller-coaster of life.
Yes, this is me, broken, neglected and feeling alone. But I know I’ve got friends. They’ll kick my ass, hold my hands,hug me and throw a pie in my face when I’m being and ass-hole but they’ll also throw me a life-preserver when I need it most. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My friend is an ass-hole just like me. He made me stop and think. I love my friend and he’ll get this and know the laugh behind it because he gets me, more than any other, he gets where all this came from. Thank you, my friend, Always, because without you I’d still be lost, moping in my own shit pile of life.
I am a person, one of the people. Now, I can see what it’s all for. Had he not reminded me I’d still be curled up in a ball on floor.
We all have that friend,that one friend, who gets us and has a way of bringing a little perspective to what we can’t see. Thank your friends on a regular basis because tomorrow is promised to no-one but you have them here with you today.
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