There are a multitude of us on this planet that live with Depression and we always look for ways to get through. This is just one bout of many and doesn’t necessarily reflect on the way that every depressed person sees things. Just me at this point.
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Have you ever just sat in your room for days and not known what to do with yourself?
During depressing days like this I listen to a lot of music. No specific genre,I really just bounce around my playlist or search through the recommendations to find something to suite my mood. Most of the time I don’t even know what that mood is on days like these. I suppose a lost and non-purpose feelings are two of them. Yet motivation slips past me. Depression really sucks and most people in our lives don’t understand it nor do they really want to. Try to explain it to them and they tend to tune out rather quickly. They’re in the room but really you just wind up having a conversation with yourself while they are on their cellphone pretending to listen to you try to explain what it is like to feel this way.
A couple of nights ago I decided to have a few drinks to quiet the static in my head. Good job I’m a light-weight not having drank in 7 years by choice. I had two drinks and was completely buzzed and started feeling numb but at the same time my head was spinning. The codeine didn’t help. I quickly realized I did not like the feeling I was experiencing at all. My common sense still in tact made me wise up so I ate some dinner and then tried to have another drink when I realized I did not want it. Up to my room I went. I’d been doing errands all day and was physically hurting all over. I watched a movie and my body and brain agreed I needed to sleep. My stomach had other ideas.
I tossed and turned until 2:15 am when after several trips to the loo my need to purge became rather clear and my dinner met the porcelain prince. Wouldn’t you know after that ordeal I managed to go straight to sleep saying never again. And I meant that shit!
I can understand how people like me want to feel completely numb. But I also realized it’s a slow death sentence should it continue at length. One which I realized I am not going to allow myself to do. I know what is causing the height of my current depression right now. I’m jobless, flat broke and about $20,000.00 in debt with no current way out. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up, I’m a fighter but after spending the past three months applying for jobs and either being rejected or receiving no response at all I am incredibly frustrated and it is weighing rather heavy on me internally.
Each day I awaken with hope and a smile. I fully realize that there are many people out there far worse off than I am. For the most part I have my health although I live with the chronic pain of Fibromyalgia, cluster headaches, have difficulty walking a times, have continuous daily lower back pain that no medication seems to take away, I suffer from Depression and Anxiety disorder, my limbs still move, I have a fully functioning brain,a roof over my head, clothing on my back and food on my table when I decide to make it. So why am I so damn sad?
My common sense says I shouldn’t be. I’ve been used to providing for myself since I was 16 years old and I really don’t like the idea of having to rely on someone else for my needs. I feel guilt for not bringing in a pay cheque currently. I’m so used to just going out and picking up what I need when I need it over the past 12 years that now I feel as helpless as a child. When I say I was outrunning errands the other day I mean I had a little money to go grocery shopping, which involves several different stores to get the sale items the best I can and make the items stretch as long as it is possible. My Child Tax Benefit came in, I got a Child Support payment and before going away for the next ten days my husband gave me $90.00 cash. But it still wasn’t enough and I had to use the last available limits on 3 of my 6 Credit Cards. Food costs quite a bit when you try to eat healthy and stay away from the junk and crap that you don’t need. Now I did buy myself 4 tank tops because the weather is quite warm right now and I did need them and I treated myself to a few new release movies and Season 2 of Orange is the New Black which probably could have waited a while but you know when you have cards you get the itch and it’s always been a problem for me to stay away from the movie section in Wal-Mart, they always have great prices.
The true sadness of it all didn’t hit me until now because now I’m freaking out wondering how am I going to pay off that debt with no job. Yes we now have food to get us through the next two weeks or more but the Rent is still not paid yet this month and the month is almost over. Why do we find logic after the fact. I’ve tried to convince myself to cut up the 3 largest amount cards and stay away from them, they are trouble and I knew it when I got them but when I lost my job the first time they helped carry us through until I got another job. Now they are all maxed out and I currently have no way to pay them back and I’m upset with myself for it.
Why do we put ourselves in these situations all the time. I had a full-time job which I’d manage to find after nine months of being unemployed unexpectedly and then I got really sick with a horrible virus that I contracted on the job which landed me in hospital and damn near stopped my heart due to sever dehydration. Between the virus and the job stress my body didn’t recover right away. I had no choice but to resign my position. I couldn’t keep up with the call center atmosphere. The shifts changed every week and were never the same So I quit. That was on February 24th this year.
Today is May 23rd and here I sit in my room at 4:17 am. I should be asleep. I have laundry and housework to do, it’s not going to do itself. I have to scour the job ads and put in applications and keep trying.
My husband is away until the 29th of May and for as miserable as he makes me I miss him terribly when he’s gone more than a day or two. I love him. He drives me crazy but I really don’t know I could be without him. I say I want to be on my own all the time but I really don’t think I do. I don’t know that I’d survive alone. Here we think we don’t have a purpose but really we do. Our frustrations guide our brains into chaos and we just want to run away from it all. But if we ran what would we be running to?
I now realize how much of our time as adults we spend worrying about things that are out of our control. How we knit-pick on every little thing. We bitch and moan about the wrong things and ignore the things that matter.
If I didn’t sit here right now writing this out, I wouldn’t be able to rationalize my thoughts. They’d come off as white noise, static, in my head to accompany the insomnia I already suffer from along with everything else. I see the words hit the paper and my thought process begins to tick. I rationalize with each sentence I write. Mulling over what direction to go in.
Right now I’m going to pause for a cigarette break. Yes, I know, it’s a filthy habit. But it’s the only bad habit I really have. I’ll get to ridding myself of it when I’m ready.
Right then, so I’ve had my ciggy, grabbed a Gatorade and taken my Zopiclone ( sleeping pills for sever insomniacs ) so when it kicks in it’ll be goodnight Irene and see you in about 12 hours.
I’ve just glanced back and realized this little self-therapy session has grown to eight pages in my little notebook. And, why I have chosen to share this one with you is so you can see the process. When you start writing things down they become real. Real you can deal with before anyone else says a thing to you. You see answers you actually provided for yourself. No money spent on a therapist either. So I share it on my blog. I have many different things here on my blog from poetry and verse to short stories and life essays. This is just one more for the vaults. That’s the beauty of it. I found my voice via my pen. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea so-to-speak but there are people out there, people who get it. People just like me, who get a little lost sometimes and I’m not afraid to let my weaker side-show. I’m human, no-where near perfect. I’m flawed, scared and sometimes an emotional train wreck but hiding it doesn’t suit me. Emotionally damaged, why yes, I am, and always will be. But knowing how to bring myself out of a funk well now that’s pure talent. A talent I learned when I became damaged at the age of seven.
They say damaged souls will always find other damaged souls and I think we’re meant to. It’s always okay to break sometimes and the stronger damaged souls teach the weaker damaged souls how to reboot and repair themselves. We’re never going to be perfect but don’t you see, that’s the beauty of it. We don’t have to be. We’re the creative ones,the loving ones. The ones who when a the end of their rope chose to swing like a pendulum and keep time moving forward. Life can turn that turnakit as tight as it wants to but we’ve figured out how to cut loose and heal on our own, repair any sustained injury life has dealt us and apply our own first aid.
They’re saying good morning, it’s a new day. Time to try to reach for that brass ring one more time.
Rise and Shine.
Share that smile.
Today is going to be a better day. You’ve already made it this far. Baby-stepping, one little step at a time.
Don’t give up!
Until next time……..