Some times in life we have to let out some of our own humility and bare our souls to the world so that others know they haven’t faced their own demons alone. I faced quite a few horrible things when I was a child and this is just a small part of it.
This little essay is not meant to offend anyone and is not for the faint of heart. Please read with an open mind and not a closed one.
The saddest fact is we live in a world where bad things really do happen.
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**No part of this publication may be reproduced by any means: electronic, mechanical, photocopied, recorded, or otherwise, without the prior written consent from the Author and publisher Gillian Anne Gibson**
When I was around eight years old my mum dropped us ( being myself and my little brother who was 2 1/2 years younger than me) on our father’s doorstep one Friday night and never came back. For three years she was just gone. This emotionally scared me for life and lead to a series of tragic events over the years of growing up that almost caused me to take my life.
The first being the fact that I cried for weeks, wouldn’t eat and developed my first eating disorder, depression, panic attacks and night terrors.
In the beginning of the abandonment my father was caring and tried to comfort me the best he cold. But after a while he became impatient with me and finally angry and resentful. He started spanking me every time I cried for my mum and sending me to bed without any supper. So, I was always starving and when I would go to the candy store with my allowance I would shove extra things in my pockets and not pay for them. I know what you are thinking, delinquent in the making right there. When my father found out he beat the hell out of me with his fists and his leather belt. Then he would bend me over the toilet and force me to throw up what I had eaten so I would go to bed hungry all the time. he would get right up in my face turn beet-red and scream at me, call me names and terrify me. Parental tactics that an adult could never ever get away with in this day and age.
I became so withdrawn. I wasn’t allowed to bathe but once a week and I had to share the same bath water as my brother, he always went first so I got to bathe in his dirty and cold bath water. Father said it was so that we didn’t waste water. I was only allowed to have one square of toilet paper when I went to the toilet and a lot of times had to use my own hand and then wash it off with soap and water. My teacher at school at the time noticed something wasn’t right and in an effort tried to become my friend. Through special permission of the school board he got a Chinchilla to keep in the school’s library and I got to be the primary caretaker and bring it home on the weekends to look after him. I really like this little job I had been given and I felt a little special. That was right up until some other kids, the bullies, got jealous and they started picking on me. First at recess by pushing me down and kicking me and calling me names. then they got caught and got in trouble so they started waiting for me after school by the crossing guard and chasing me home. They would gang up on me, there was five of them, all girls and all bigger then me. At this stage I was scrawny and didn’t like to fight. I was afraid of all of them and far to scared to even think of standing up to them because of the fear my father had put into me. One day they pushed me down so hard they cut both my knees on the gravel pavement,kicked me in my stomach and my back and rubbed gum in my hair. I got up and ran home and they chased me all the way to the front door of my apartment building. And, instead of going to my apartment, I hid under the stairwell for an hour until they went away. I told my dad and the first thing he did was say what did you do to make them mad. When I said nothing he yelled at me and said I was lying and sent me to bed with no band-aids and no supper. I was only allowed a glass of water and a piece of bread.
The next day at school we got called to the principal’s office. It appears that one of the other students, a girl named Laurie, a big sized girl who was always being picked on for being plus size, saw what the other girls did to me and she told her mom and together they went and told the principal the next morning before school started. After that Laurie walked me and my brother home every day. But the bullying at school continued for the next three years, every time Laurie wasn’t around.
One winter we were outside having a snowball fight at recess. You know the fun kind. But one of the boys grabbed a huge chunk of solid ice and packed snow around it. Naturally when he called my name I looked right him and he whipped it like a fast-ball straight at my face hitting me directly in the eye. He hit me so hard it knocked me off my feet and I couldn’t open my eye as it had instantly swollen shut. I was so livid, I managed to get to my feet to chase after him but when I did I tripped over the wooden-board edging around the home-made school ice rink and both my arms flew up over my head so when I hit the ice it was chest first and I knocked the wind out of myself. I tried to get up but I couldn’t breathe and I was reaching for them, crying and mouthing help me, I can’t breathe. The laughed at me and ran off. I fully collapsed face first on the ice and lost consciousness. Guess who found me half an hour later passed out cold in a blood pool where I had dropped, it was Laurie, she was late for school that day. She ran inside and got the principal and they carried me into the school nurse. I had a major black eye and my chin was split wide open and I had chipped both my front teeth. After a trip to the hospital and X-Rays I found out I had also suffered a head injury,my first of many concussions in my youth. The pain from it all was awful. I was off school for a full week and in so much pain. I kept throwing up from the pain in my head and my jaw. I couldn’t open my eye. It took months to fully recover and I wound up with permanent damage to my eye. There, to this day, is a yellow hue that never goes away. My eyes are incredibly sensitive to light causing me to wear sunglasses outside year round. After all this the school finally convinced my father to take me to a child psychologist to help me deal with the abandonment issues my mother caused and the bullying that some of the other kids were doing to me.
Until Next time………