Some times in life we have to let out some of our own humility and bare our souls to the world so that others know they haven’t faced their own demons alone. I faced quite a few horrible things when I was a child and this is just a small part of it.
This little essay is not meant to offend anyone and is not for the faint of heart. Please read with an open mind and not a closed one.
Have you ever tried to talk to someone who refuses to hear you?
It has to be one of the most frustrating things you can have to deal with. Especially when they are one of those people who think they are always right and try to make you feel like less than zero. Like you don’t really matter at all.
I was raised in a messed up family from the word go. My parents split and divorced when I as all of five. My mother decided in her broken mind that a younger man of nineteen was the way to get her groove back but when she became pregnant the said nineteen year old’s man-balls decided to climb back up inside his body and he ran like a bear was chasing him in the woods. So there’s a five-year old, a 2 and half-year old and an unwanted pregnancy. She had an abortion, though forty-one years ago it was a quiet affair. Not like today, where women just blurt it out over coffee like they’re talking about the latest fashion trends. Any way, naturally after the pregnancy was terminated the nineteen-year old boyfriend came back. Fuck, it reads like a damn teen soap opera. Here’s the thing, he was nineteen, she was twenty-seven. She worked at a bank as a teller, he was a student. Every weekend she would have her new-found girlfriends over to our tiny little two bedroom apartment, were they would get drunk, dance and puke then pass out. All, of course, in front of me and my little brother.
At one of these all night parties, they were all dolling each other up with make-up and mum kept pushing me away, telling me to go play in my room. Some how I found myself in the bathroom and found mum’s razor and decided to shave my legs for the first time. Well, let me tell you ladies a few tips. first, and most importantly: NEVER, EVER, leave a razor where a child can reach it. Second, always wet your legs first and use soap or shaving cream. I sliced both my chins from my ankles all the way up to my knee-caps on both legs. There was heaps of free-flowing blood and chunks of missing skin. It took five drunk women and everything in the first aid kit to patch me up and I was kept home from school for an entire week at the babysitters cause my mum was afraid child protective services would come and take me away. Plus she was embarrassed and thought they would think it was her fault or that she did it to me. When I went for my weekend visitation with my father she made sure to remind me not to let him see my legs or I’d be in big trouble when I got home.
Now, because my mother was liking her new party life she became some-what promiscuous and sometimes the nineteen year old would stop by for a midday quicky, at six years old I didn’t know what sex was but I did walk in on them several different times and saw way more than I ever should have which made me very curious about boys. You see, I saw mum’s boyfriend full-monty and she thought it was fun that all of us, her, the boyfriend and my brother and I all have showers together. My first lessons in the male anatomy and how it grew when touched. So, with this being said, I am about to tell you a humiliating story. One day at the baby sitters when I was seven, I decided that we all should play doctor. (Do you see where this is headed). Anyway, there was me, my little brother, the babysitters daughter and her little brother. So we had a kids play doctor kit and after seeing mother so open about being naked around the house I figured it was normal. After all I’d seen mum play doctor with the boyfriend so it had to be okay, right?
We made the boys pull down their pants so we could look at their tackle and the play needle was one you could fill with water so we touched, put them in our mouth and cleaned them with the needle. (We swapped brothers by the way, no incest nonsense here) But we got caught by the baby sitter and of course she told my mum it was all my idea and that I could go there any more. I don’t remember what mum screamed at me but she spilled or rather, I should say, sloshed her drink all over me and I was grounded for a while month. Even when I tried to tell her “but, I see you and Fred do things like that all the time and you put it in your mouth”, she slapped me so hard and threw me in my bed and slammed the door shut. My lip was all bloody and I wasn’t even allowed out to go to the toilet.
The moral of this short but very embarrassing part of the life I didn’t ask for is respect your children and never ever think they aren’t watching you. Some things children should never see. Certain things can ruin them.
Later on that same year I experienced my first flasher. Mum, my brother an I were walking home through the woods and this fully naked grown man came walking out from the trees calling to my mother. I think had we not been with her that day, he would have raped and killed her. We ran like hell all the while my mother screaming for help. We moved not long after that.
Some of the things we’ve faced as children have not been the most pleasant but we have made it through them and it doesn’t have to be a secret any more.
Until next time…..