Expectations vs Reality – A Quintessential Truth #9
What is love but a four letter word. It’s easily used for many a purpose and has come to mean many a thing. We throw it around like a frisbee. We hold onto it like a life raft. We long for it and we also misuse it or become confused by it. The term “I love you” doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is literally In love with you. It simply means you are loved for being you. So many people take it to heart and things can become rather messy.
The reason for its misuse and the confusion is simple; ‘expectations’. We all have them, though, we really shouldn’t. When someone says “I love you” we usually take it literally. This leads to the “expectations” of that love. We then expect that person to be there twenty-four-seven, dote on us and treat us as their priority. Many times the phrase comes out before we are actually ready for it. Once it does everything changes and our “expectations” become more intense. In the dating world it can be fully meant at first but over time we spend more and more time together and realize that the fit is just not right and when it feels wrong we can’t force ourselves to fully love someone as a lover when truly we only love them as a friend. This is sometimes very difficult for people to accept. We gave it our all but our all just didn’t produce the results we thought it would and we wind up just going through the motions and becoming lost inside and sad.
In my forty-six years of life I have come to realize that the term “I love you” changes as we age. In childhood it comes from our family to teach us kindness and caring. In teen years we long for it like lost puppies looking for a home. In our twenties we redefine it while seeking out a life partner and so on. We have our children and the cycle repeats.
When seeking out a potential mate in our younger years we try to fulfill a list of sorts. We want physical attraction, common ideals and a connection. Although as we grow things change. Our expectations change equally. We go from talking about our favorite colors, foods, music and movies to what goals we want for ourselves, where we see ourselves five years from now and what kind of careers we want to have.
Sometimes during courtship we start to realize that something is missing and the connection is lost. We seem to have an internal alarm tell us it’s just not where we want to be. We owe it to ourselves to be open and honest. What once seemed ideal has become a chore and we often find ourselves trying to stay the course and in doing so we become emotionally trapped , just going through the motions until we lose our own identities and become incredibly unhappy.
I did that for 20 years of my life so I fully get what that means and my ex had a way of getting inside my head and emotionally every time I said things weren’t working and that emotional blackmail over time almost cost me my life at my own hand. I suffered two nervous breakdowns, was put on many medications and it took half of my life to get strong enough to say I’d had enough. I’m no longer am afraid to be me. He had to face the cold hard facts that things would never again be as they were. It was over.
People, if someone tells you it’s not working out, believe me, nothing you say can change their minds. You need to accept that it’s over. The relationship is done. You can not force someone to be “in love with you”, it’s just not possible. If it has gone to the point of marital engagement or common law living, one must realize that those situations are over as well. There is no going back. Don’t put yourself in limbo thinking you can fix it when you’ve been told the relationship is over. You will torture yourself and it will lead to an absolute emotional disaster. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to love ourselves and learn how to get to know ourselves and what it is we really want. So many times people ask us
“who are you?”
“what do you really want out of life?”
Do we really answer honestly? Do we really sit and think about it? or do we sit and wait until devastating events surround us to take a second look?.
We should never alter who we truly are as an individual to please another. We need to remain our true selves, flaws, scars, bad habits, good habits, likes and dislikes. These things define us, each one of us, individually. We will never be exactly like another. If we were, we would all be dull and uneventful. You shouldn’t tell someone you like something just because they do, especially if your first response was anything but. You will lose yourself identity in the act and you can’t carry on the act forever. True colors show over time and if you have altered who you really are just to please someone else it will show and it’s a total turn off. Another thing one should not ever do is use sex as a weapon. This is so unbecoming and one tires of it easily. If a completely genuine connection isn’t there then sex is nothing more than an act and is not enjoyable. Eventually it becomes a chore without feeling and one of the parties will just stop altogether.
Be bold, be honest, be truthful.
There are strong people and there are not-so-strong people. We all balance each other out in one way or another or the puzzle pieces just don’t fit. Remember you can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. Some things are just not meant to go together but it’s okay. Strive to do what is right for you. Find your inner strengths and concentrate on those.
Find your happy and leave the expectations on the shelf.
Until we meet again, Be Strong.