Every day we look at ourselves and look for all our flaws. I call this Embracing “The Suck”
The Suck is all the things we don’t like about ourselves and we need to learn how to embrace them for they are us and it’s just the way it is. We try to fix everything that is wrong with us to the best of our abilities but sometimes they just can’t be fixed. If we learn to accept them for ourselves then others will accept them as part of us.
Ladies, how often do you catch yourselves staring in the mirror. Squeezing your excess belly layers and double chins. Pushing up your eyes so the wrinkles will look like they don’t exist. Pushing up your breast because they sag. How much do we spend on make-up, diet pills, spanx, tummy tucking bands or even consider surgery to fix our flaws.
I was relaxing in the tub tonight and I caught myself doing the same thing. Then I realized something my husband said to me.
“To me you are perfect the way you are, I even prefer you without make-up and hair extensions but I know you do it to make yourself feel better but you don’t have to do it for me.”
I thought wow, you know what, you’re right, cause if he didn’t want to be here, with me, he wouldn’t be.
My first husband, the drunken asshole, was incredibly abusive to me. He name called, belittled me, told me I needed to start wearing wigs and needed a boob job. Called me a fat bitch. Then he would pull the psychological mind fucks on me like packing his stuff in boxes and putting outside on the lawn and tell me that I was the one that did it. It took me a long time to get up the courage to leave him. I was always afraid to be on my own with three kids. He came home one Valentines Day and dropped a basket of laundry at my feet with some chicks breast augmentation surgery papers that he worked with , to which I found out he was also cheating on me with. But you know what, I stood my ground, I did it, I got rid of his ass and I was all the better for it. Before I threw his ass out he had caused me to have two nervous breakdowns and almost commit suicide several times. Friends, Family and counseling got me the courage and strength I needed to be free of him. I was on my own for 9 months before I even started to think of dating. And when I did I had a strong set of rules that were going to be laid down.
When I met someone, through a dating site, I was very cautious. After 3 months he asked if he could move in with me because he was always over at my place and it seems silly to pay for two places. So I agreed. It wasn’t until several weeks later that I realized I had wound up with another Alcoholic. A 38 beer a day full-blown Alcoholic.
Oh fuck right?
I put my foot down.
“Go to rehab, get sober or get the hell out.”
He checked into a 3 day detox the next morning and in all honesty has not touched a single drop since. Sheer will power and the want to make our family work. Exactly one year later on his one year sobriety date we were married. That was 4 years 6 months and one day ago. I decided to give up drinking for him as I could not be a hypocrite and drink in front of him, that would be completely unfair. Although he says I can have a drink any time I want I have come to live a life without Alcohol and Drugs. Yes I was a pot smoker. I will have a small joint every once in a blue moon for pain and pain only, it is usually incredibly horrible migraines. It seems to be the only thing to help me with those. And yes it is the medicinal stuff not the crap. All it does for me is relax my body and knock me out for 8-12 hours. I don’t do it to get high like a lot of folks do. I actually have a legit medical need for it on rare occasions. Although after my first marriage ended I ended up in a bad way and was drinking and smoking every night and realized it was not good for me or my kids and stopped.
I am by no means a tiny framed girl. I teeter between 180 and 220 constantly. My clothing sizes bounce between a size 12 to a size 18. I’ve just come to accept it. I never really have been tiny. I’ve always had thick thighs a large butt and I don’t think I’ve had a flat belly since I was twelve. Even then I would never be caught dead in a two-piece swim suite. I always found myself comparing what I am to what I see men in general gawking over in movies and commercials. I’ve finally realized that what is deemed as the norm through these measures is not the norm. Most women are of average build and are not model thin.
I also refuse to follow fashion trends, I actually despise them. I don’t want to wear what everyone else is wearing. I want my own fashion. I don’t care that way what people think of me. I am my creation and I like it that way. At 46 society would have me dressing like a frumpy old school teacher. Yeah, okay, that’s not going to happen. I like jeans, leggings and t-shirts and the fact that I work from home allows me to be me without having to dress up like a corporate monkey to get through my day. I love tattoos, I presently have 11 in various parts, mostly my neck, arms and back, but I’m not done getting more ink yet.
I have a kangaroo pouch for a belly, yup I does, and you know why, because I have given birth to 3 children and those pregnancies destroyed my body, literally. I gained 54 pounds with each child and not because I ate junk and wasn’t careful either. It’s just what my body did for each child. I actually ate very healthy with each pregnancy and my cravings were for mostly healthy foods. I also had a tubal ligation performed by a Doctor whom I found out after the fact was under investigation for malpractice. Nice eh? So I have no stomach muscles in the middle of my abdomen as the were literally cut in two and did not heal correctly so the only way I will ever have a flat belly is if I have a tummy tuck. Like I have 7,000.00 for that.
Now I will tell you that I take medications for Chronic Pain, Depression and Anxiety and these cause weight gain. An unfortunate side effect that I have to deal with if I want to be Sane and Mobile. My current combination of meds have caused a weight gain of 34 pounds that I just finished losing over a 2 year period. Bam! it was back within 9 months of being back on them again. The last bout of meds caused a 45 pound weight gain in less months. I fought hard and starved myself for a few months to get rid of it and yet here we go on the roller coaster ride again. I try my best to stay away from the crap but after a test found that the meds themselves cause weight gain even if you don’t eat. Example – I starved myself for two weeks and still gained 10 pounds. So you see it is what it is. If I spend every waking moment worrying about it then I will end up more depressed than I already am. It’s just not worth it. I can be careful with what I am consuming as far as meals go. I already never eat breakfast, never have since I was a teen, breakfast consists of coffee. Lunch, unless it’s fruit, raw veg or a cup-o-soup at 100 calories, I skip lunch. Occasionally if I’m tired I will eat a banana. I do consume an incredible amount of pop. But am slowly cutting that back in half and drinking bottles of water instead. I take SlimQuick pure to stave off my appetite. I considered the Slimband surgery but at 18,000.00 I think not.
I’ve never claimed to be a prim prissy princess, just not my style, I have the mouth of a trucker and can be very temperamental and stubborn. I can also be very outspoken at times and I can also be quite shy at times. It all depends on the situation. If pushed to far I have the temper of a fiery dragon. Not something you ever want to mess with. If I am comfortable around people I will belch and Fart just like any guy you know. Face it, better out than in and when you face as much pain as I do, you get to a point where adding pain to the pain equation just ain’t gonna happen.
On April eighth this year I will be undergoing a breast reduction surgery to take some of the pressure off my neck, back and shoulders. The pain has been tremendous, to the point where I get migraines and puke my guts out for days. I currently sit at a size 38E in the chest area and I do not want these things any longer. If the surgery gets me down to a C cup I will be a happy girl. Breast are meant for feeding babies not entertaining men.
So I have embraced the suck cause life deals us all kinds of shit to deal with and you know what, I’m not about to lay down cry boo-hoo poor me. I bath every day, I am a clean person who fully believes in personal hygiene, hell I keep baby wipes in my bathroom and use them on a regular basis. Learning how to present yourself with what you’ve got that is the key. Be a happier you. Find what makes you happy not what makes others happy. That is the key right there.
Heels are nice but I prefer boots, all kinds of boots. Because that’s me and that’s how it is.
Embrace the suck girls!!
Love the skin you’re in.
You have but one live to live
Live it to the fullest no matter what size you are.
You are Beautiful.
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